June 1944, Amsterdam, Holland
Annaliese’s blond curls bounced gaily behind her as she skipped into the garden. Bright blue and lavender tulips dotted the Dutch countryside, in long and orderly rows by white fences. A windmill spun nearby, while a golden sun bathed all of Holland in light and beauty. It was a gorgeous summer day, with soft warm breezes blowing through the lush green trees. These formed a canopy for a young brown-eyed girl who sat beneath one of them. Her head was bent over a novel, engrossed in the white pages so much so that she did not hear her sister calling her name. She was lost in her own little world, one of intrigue and suspense and romance, completely removed from the ordinary grass she sat on or the all- too solid earth she lived on.
“Nora!” Annaliese called for the third time. “Nora! There you are, I’ve been looking everywhere for you!’’ her sister looked up in surprise, revealing her gorgeous deep brown eyes and long ravens black hair, “Mama needs you to come help with the baking. I’m simply useless in the kitchen, I’m afraid. You will definitely be more of a help to her, I’m sure.”Annaliese said, breathless from running. Nora dusted off the bit of garden soil from her lap, and laughed as she stood up. Annaliese had a white apron over her blue frock, which was completely covered in flour. “You dear, let me help you.” she said jumping up to get the bit of flour out of her sister’s hair. She tucked her book into the small pocket of her dress, and tied her lavender bonnet beneath her chin.
“Come, dearest, I’ll take over for Mama” she slipped her hand through Annaliese’s and guided her down the curving dusty path. They passed the quaint brick church where Mama and Papa had been married, with the old familiar bell hanging in the doorway. Flowers grew in small white holders in the window sills, practically overflowing with bright red and yellow tulips, “I’m so excited about the wedding! Aren’t you, Nora?” Annaliese chattered cheerfully as she skipped eagerly down the path. “Of course, I am happy for our sister. Benjamin is a good man and I’m certain they’ll create a beautiful life together.” Nora agreed amiably.
“Don’t you want to get married some day, Nora?” “Maybe someday, perhaps. I think I prefer working as a seamstress though and taking care of mama for now. Once you and Kate are grown and moved out, who will look after her?
“Oh, Nora, you are far too practical. I want to fall in love with a dashing young man and run off and get married, as soon as I can. It’ll be like Snow White, who was wakened with a kiss from a prince.
Nora giggled, “That’s just a story, Annie. You’d better keep your head on straight and focus on your studies for the time being. You’ve got a lot of work to do if you want to attend university next fall. I’m sure there is a wonderful man for you, just be patient and wait. In the meantime, your schoolwork will keep you very busy.” Nora told her. She smiled at her sister’s romantic reveries and tucked her arm through Annaliese’s. As they walked, they passed rolling green fields rich with color from the warm sun. Holland was decked out in all it’s glory, although out here in the country it seemed almost possible to forget that a war was raging through all of Europe, tearing families part and breeding terror and fear.
On this glorious occasion, three days before the wedding of her oldest sister, Nora had decided to forget all of that and put it entirely from her mind. It was too heavy a burden to bear at such a time. They had enough exposure to the war in the city where rationing and German soldiers’ constant presence reminded them every day of the oppression they lived in.
Out here though Nora felt so carefree and at peace, among nature where she might ease her troubled mind. No one, not even the Nazis, could take that away from them, the simple pleasures of flowers and gardens and the joy they brought. “Annaliese.” Nora questioned trying to get her mind off the topic of the war, “Did you finish that algebra homework you had last night? Do you still need my help?” “I’m afraid not, it’s so boring and dull and it makes no sense to me. Tessa’s too busy getting ready for the wedding and Kate has been occupied with cooking.” annaliese said, lowering her head in embarrassment. “Don’t worry, I’ll help you tonight, when the bakings done.”
“thank you, Nora.”Annaliese replied gratefully, her bright blue eyes lighting up with relief. By now, they had arrived at the small wooden cottage where they were staying for the week. Nora’s grandmother was bent over some knitting in her rocker, while Mama was rolling dough out on the counter. Kate stood in the corner, mixing dough with a wooden spoon. Containers of flour and sugar sat on the counter, along with a couple bottles of milk, a carton of eggs, and a basket of fresh apples that needed peeling.
Nora’s mother had her brownish-grey hair pulled up in a bun, with a large white apron over her marron colored dress. “Hello, darling.” she greeted Nora, with a soft smile. “I sent Annaliese to come for you. I thought you might help me with these pies so we could get them done faster. Then perhaps tonight we might have a little concert, you could play the piano and maybe if Tessa isn’t too tired, she might play her violin.” her mother smiled.
“Of course, why don’t you sit down Mama? I’ll finish this and Annaliese can make you a cup of tea. You look very tired.”Nora said with worry filling her young face. She grabbed an apron and removed her bonnet to hang it on the racks by the door. “That I know how to do.” Annaliese agreed eagerly, hurrying to fill the brass kettle with hot water. The kitchen sink was piled full of dishes from the morning and the oven glowed with cookies baking inside and cooling by the window sill and in the counter.
“Were you working in the garden, dearest?”Nora’s grandmother, Esther asked, “For a while, yes, and then I got distracted by the new novel I’ve been reading.”she blushed at how inconsiderate she’d been to leisurely read, while her family was working so hard inside. “it’s the story of a young brave girl who saves her family’s lives by crossing a dangerous river through the mountains. She braves perilous weather, poachers, and wild animals to find a new home for them where they don’t have to live in this cold forest, ruled by an evil Queen.”
As Nora began to describe the story in detail, her mother’s eyes filled with worry, “Oh, Nora, you’ve kept that story hidden all this time? Do you know what would happen to you if a German soldier found you with that? You know novels are forbidden.”
“I’ll be careful, Mama. I never read it at the shop or anywhere where there may be too many people around.” Nora soothed as she placed the thick dough inside the pie plate. “You must be careful, Nora. You know they’d send you to one of those camps if they caught you.” Nora’s grandmother said. A look of fear and panic grew on young Kate’s face and she stopped her mixing to look up. “Please, mother’s let’s not discuss such topics right now. Tessa’s wedding day is only a few days away and I’d appreciate if we could not discuss the war this weekend, at least. I am reminded enough of it without having to talk of it at such a time.”
“Of course, darling I didn’t mean to frighten you.”Esther said to her granddaughter. Kate walked over to her grandmother who grabbed her hand and stroked it soothingly. “ Only I can’t help but worry for all of you. More and more Jews are being deported than ever. Your grandfather and I hear about it all the time , a family we’ve known for years was taken just last night. They saw most of the arrivals at Auschwitz are gassed almost immediately. If they are not, they are worked or starved to death.”
“Mama!” Nora’s mother snapped, her eyes filling with panic. We’ve known this has been going on for now for quite some time. You’re only frightening the girls more.” “There is no point in hiding the facts from them, Maureen. It’s only a matter of time before we are taken too.”
“Mama.. “Kate urged, “What will we do if we are taken to the camps?”
“We will trust God to take care of us and know that is always looking out for us.” Her mother answered, her voice beginning to crack. To nora it looked as if her mother might cry or faint but she remained strong. “Doesn’t God care that his people are being killed Mama? Why doesn’t he do anything?”Annaliese demand suddenly, angry tears beginning to brim in her eyes. Nora thought of Tessa’s best friend and her husband who’d been taken to Germany months before, and not heard from since. Eventually, a friend had sent them a letter that both had perished in the camps. They had all been numb with show from the news for days. Two people they’d practically grown up with, just disappeared like that and suddenly they were gone. They would not see them ever again, not in this life anyway. Tessa had been heart-broken.
Nora looked to her mother for an answer with pleading eyes. “Of course God loves the Jews, Annaliese. He will never abandon us. He is always with us no matter what, even in times of trial such as these. We must pray for the Nazis even though they are our enemies that God Will change their hearts and for them to see the evil they are doing to us.”
“Your mother is right, girls. The nazis are evil, but Jesus still loves them and died for their sins. In our own strength, we can not possibly love or forgive them, but with Jesus all things are possible.” their grandmother told them. “ I don’t see how even God could ever love the Nazis. I hate them.” Annaliese snapped, her blue eyes filled with rage. Nora was stunned. She had never seen her sweet, usually tender sister react so vehemently to anything. “Oh, Anna, you mustn’t hate anyone.” their mother soothed, “Hate is too heavy a burden to carry, my dear. It leaves you bitter and cold inside, unable to let in the light of God’s love, a light that shines even for the Nazis. I understand why you all would have resentment toward our enemies, but carry your sorrows and anger to God and let him help you learn to trust him, even not, even in this difficult time.”
Nora began to pour the filling into the crust, contemplating her mother’s and grandmother’s words. Only God could truly love the Nazis she thought to herself and forgive them for how they tormented her people. How could she ever love those monsters? she wondered with horror thinking of how they’d murdered her dear friend and husband and taken them away from her. How they inflicted so much terror, fear and misery on them. She couldn’t ever forget the first day she’d seen the word “Jude” scribbled on the Synagogue wall in a offensive, degrading way, or the time when anti-Semitic Dutch men had set fire to a Rabbi’s beard, just to humiliate him.
The day Kate had come home crying, because her and her schoolmates were not allowed admission to the newest motion picture showing at the theater.
Kate had gone back to her work too and the room began to gradually return to a more cheerful mood, as annaliese made their mother tea and Nora rolled the rest of the dough.
But in spite of how cheerful their mother tried to be Nora knew they could never fully erase the cloud of darkness that had been hanging over them for four years now. The reality was that the camp at Auschwitz- Birkeneau and Ravensbruck did exist no matter how much they wished it was just a made up story or a nightmare. In spite of facing up to this harsh truth, Nora decided she could only bear to think it so much, before she grew far too depressed.
By summer time, there were five apple pies cooling by the open window which blew fresh summer breezes in from the outdoors. Kate and Nora strolled through the tulip garden, lit by a thousand golden stars overhead in the dark night sky. Kate leaned on her sister’s arm, wrapping her woolen grey shawl tighter around herself. Annaliese, grandmama, and their mother were finishing the remainder of the dishes, as the day drew to close, “ I really miss Papa, especially now. He would have loved Benjamin and it just makes me so sad that he won’t be able to walk Tessa down the aisle.” Nora choked back tears at Kate’s words, thinking of their dear, sweet father who’d died in a car accident a few years before.
“Papa, is always with us though, Kate. I’m sure he is looking down from heaven now, and smiling to see all of us happy on this joyous occasion.” “But what about the war? I wonder what Papa would have done or thought, if he knew the horrible things that have gone on the past few years, how our friends have been mistreated and taken away, how we have to ration all the food. And the Germans, patrolling our every move and making it illegal to sing the Wilhelmus.” Kate mused.
“Papa would have prayed for us, and for the Germans, just as Mama told us we should. That is really all we can do during such times. We are powerless to control what happens in life, but when we put our troubles and pain into the hands of God, he can help us to see the good inspite of all the bad. He can give us hope and joy, even in trials.”Nora said.
Suddenly, she looked to her young, sweet sister, to see the girl’s deep set green eyes filling with tears, “Nora, I’m so scared that the Nazis will come and take us to one of those horrible camps. I don’t want to go to Auschwitz. I don’t way to die, and be separated from you and Mama and Annaliese. What will I do if that happens?” Nora’s eyes filled with pity, and she pulled the girl into her arms, cradling her head gently, “Oh sweetheart.” she said, “It’ll be alright, I promise.God will take care of us and if we are taken he will sustain us even then. Remember he promised us in his word that he is with us even until the end of the world. He sustained Peter and Paul when they were being persecuted. Don’t you think he will take care of us?” “I suppose. But I can’t help but be afraid.”Kate said, wiping her red eyes with a hankerchief.
“Come on dearest, we must find something to distract you. Why don’t we go have a slice of pie and I can read you some of A Tale Of Two Cities. Do you think you’d like that?”she asked, gently tipping her sister’s chin up. “Yes, please.”Kate agreed, smiling for the first time.
Ten minutes later, they were enjoying a steaming delicious slice of apple pie with cinnamon, and soon after Kate was snuggled close to Nora as she read to her from the charles dickens classic. “It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. It was the age of foolishness. It was the age of wisdom. It was the epoch of belief. It was the epoch of incredulity. It was the season of light. It was the season of darkness. It was the spring of hope. It was the winter of despair.” Nora read, quoting these famous cherished words in her almost melodious, beautiful voice. It soothed Kate, to hear how calming and profound her sister’s voice sounded, as she pronounced the words. She grew sleepy as Nora continued, and Annaliese had soon fallen asleep next to them as well. Her mother too seemed very worn from the long work day, and she rose silently to kiss her second eldest daughter. “Don’t stay up too late, my sweet Nora. Get some sleep. We’ve got a lot of work to do tomorrow to help Tessa decorate. “I won’t, Mama. Sweet dreams.” Nora smiled, as her mother wearily climbed the curving staircase to bed.
She stroked Kate and Annaliese’s hair, as both of them dozed in her lap, thinking of the responsibility she had to be strong for both her younger sisters, inspite of the mounting fear she felt growing inside her. Her thoughts drifted back to a Tale of Two Cities and Charles dickens. She thought how in a way their world was a lot like the one depicted in the novel. It was a time of tremendous darkness and a winter of despair, but also a spring of hope. On one hand, the world had never been darker, with Germany evil hand having oppressed them for over almost half a decade. Jews all over Europe were being taken to death and work camps, and news of shootings and uprisings in the ghettos of Poland were often in the newspapers.
It had all begun some six years ago, starting with small persecutions, signs forbidding Jews to attend movies, or go to a cafe, a synagogue burned down by anti semetics, German soldiers cutting off the beard of an elderly Jewish man in the streets to publicly humiliate him. Now, well it was obviously far worse than that. They’d learned it wasn’t just the Germans intent that their rights be taken from that, but that they should be wiped off the face of the earth entirely.
On the other hand, Nora and her three sisters were young and supposed to be enjoying the best, most prosperous years of their life. Tessa was beginning a new and exciting period of her life as Benjamin’s wife. Kate had just graduated high school and had ambitions of becoming an actress. As for Nora, though she’d often wondered what kind of a future there was for her. She’d always been content with a simple life, working as a seamstress and taking care of her mother. But now it occurred to her that perhaps there might be something else in the future, more exciting and eventful. Her life had been so predictable for as long as she could remember.
She wasn't ambitious like kate, who had dreams of becoming a Hollywood actress some day but she also didn’t want to particularly settle down and marry like Tessa. Tessa had always told her she would change, when she fell in love and saw how wonderful it was. But nora always felt she was too practical and sensible to fall in love. So what exactly her future might like at this moment she really had no idea. She only knew her sisters and mother needed her to brave and strong, during this terrifying, uncertain time.
The storm howled loudly outside, as rain poured down on the city and thunder shook the house. There were flashes of lighting streaking the night sky every so often. Nora came to with a start again, wiping the sweat from her forehead. This time she couldn’t bring herself to cry, she was too numb from the pain. And she couldn’t bear to wake Henry with her tormented nightmares for the umpteeth time. Although he always insisted she wasn’t bothering him she knew he’d missed out on many a good night’s sleep because of her. So she rose quietly from the bed, careful to not wake him. She slowly opened the door, noiselessly slipping out to the kitchen to make some coffee. Coffee always seemed to soothe her, she thought as she set the pot on the stove. She sat down wearily as she sipped it, watching the storm rage outside and wondered how Henry was sleeping through this. She didn’t know if she could go back to sleep now, especially with this weather outside keeping her awake. The images were still too fresh in her mind, and she was afraid she might have the same dream again. Suddenly she thought that a hot bath sounded relaxing and very appealing. She tiptoed through the dark house, as the clock struck 4 and circled down the stairs to the bathroom.
As quietly as she could the she ran the hot water, and then set out two bath towels beside the edge of the tub. She eased her aching body into the bathtub, feeling instant relief and comfort flood her. After some time the storm had subsided and a light drizzle was all that could be heard.The room was dark, other than a small candle on the shelf and it all contributed to a calming environment. She sat back and closed her eyes, feeling an overwhelming sense of peace wash over her for the first time in months.
She didn’t hear Henry’s footsteps, as he cautiously approached her from behind. She gasped for a moment, startled at his entrance, we he asked, “Nora are you alright?” he ran his hand through his hair sleepily, his face illuminated only by the soft light of the candle, “I”m fine.” she smiled. “ I just couldn’t sleep, and this seemed a better alternative than crying about it.” he knelt down beside her, with concern written on his face, ‘‘another bad dream?” he asked knowingly, “Yes, but I’m fine now. I hope I didn’t wake you, did I?”
“No, the storm did.’’ Henry quickly shook his head “Here, give me your hand.” she suddenly cried eagerly. She grabbed his hand and sat up a bit to place it against her belly, “The baby’s moving. Feel.” Henry’s eyes lit up with wonder and excitement as he felt their child kicking. The joy suddenly seemed to erase Nora’s night terrors and she quickly forgot why she’d not been sleeping. “I can’t wait to meet him.” she said. “You’re so sure it’s a boy?” Henry laughed,
“You know I wouldn’t mind if we had a baby daughter, especially if she is anywhere as beautiful as her mother.” Henry complimented her. “It’s a boy, I just know it. Motherly intuition, I suppose. “Nora smiled softly in the candlelight. “ I will be happy as long as we have a healthy baby.” Henry reminded her. He loved to see her smiling, for perhaps the first time in months. He leaned in and gave her a soft kiss. She pulled his closer, grabbing the collar of his shirt gently,” Please.” she suddenly whispered desperately, “make love to me, Henry. It will help the pain.” she reached for his shirt, beginning to unbutton and kissing her again. He nodded silently and their kiss grew more passionate, as she wrapped her arms around his neck. soon, he was unbuckling his pants eagerly, pulling off his clothes until they were piled in a heap on the floor.
He climbed into the water with her, gently easing his body on top of her. He straddled her softly, leaning down to brush his lips across hers. The moon’s rays spilled through the window, making reflections on the water, as he gently slid inside her, making love to her for what felt like the first time in months. His lips slid over hers again and again, tenderly as soft moans of pleasure escaped her. Eventually, the late hour got to both of them and he helped her climb from the tub. Handing her a towel, he picked her up and carried her into their bedroom. she yawned tiredly, at last wore out and able to drift off into slumber.
Nora cried happy tears later that night, as she lay snuggled against him in the warm bed, safely cradled against his chest. After months of tension and stress, sleeping with Henry seemed to have brought them closer together. The physical intimacy had made them more emotionally intimate, and she smiled to herself as she fell asleep. He had made her feel so loved, beautiful, and wanted. She hoped and prayed they would be able to make it through this incredibly difficult time of their life, so that their child would have two happy, stable parents to raise him. Because as much as she hated to admit it, she knew this would not be the last of her nightmares or panic attacks. There would be more, this wouldn’t be the last time she’d wake drenched in sweat, or screaming in fear. and she knew now that henry would not abandon her, when she needed him most. he would be there for her, and for that she was eternally grateful.
Nora woke up, with sweat dripping down her skin. The terrifying images flashed mercilessly in her mind. annaliese lying on the cold ground, lifeless, still, the faces of the hungry children, the smell of the smoke rising from the crematoria, the screams from the men’s camp, all of it had come rushing back in full force. The tears rushed down her cheeks, and she shivered in fear and panic. Henry began to stir in his sleep, woken by her sudden moments. “Nora, what is it? What’s wrong?” he asked sleepily in concern. “ It was just a nightmare.” she quickly responded, “ Nothing to worry about.” she assured him, although she certainly didn’t feel the confidence with which she spoke. “Do you want to tell me about it? he asked. The level of tenderness in his voice made her feel she could be more open, in spite of the qualms she had about telling him.
she sobbed out the whole dream, in vivid details of her family’s untimely, painful deaths. When she’d finished, Henry sat in stunned silence, hating the feeling of helplessness he had. “ what can I do?” he asked, “please just hold me. I need to feel safe, I need to feel your love.” Nora whispered, wiping more tear stains from her eyes. Henry was quick to pull her to his chest, wrapping his arms gently around her and cradling her head. “I’m here, Nora. Nothing can hurt you.” he soothed, as she began to sob uncontrollably. Her body shook with fear and panic, and she gripped him, trying to will herself to erase all the old familiar terror from her mind.
He held her for a long time, until her panic attack had subsided, and her breathing began to slow down. It was only after about half an hour that she was able to at last loosen her grip on him, and feel calm again. “ Go to sleep now, everything will be alright.”he assured her, smoothing her soft, black hair. He certainly did not feel the assurance and determination with which he spoke, as a growing sense of dread overpowered him. He did not feel at all that everything would be alright. And into this brave man’s eyes tears began to creep, after she fell asleep, and he ran his fingers down her cheek with growing concern.
This was his fault, all of it, and with that realization came an awful, fluttering feeling around his heart, a tremendous weight that made his chest burn. That he had caused his poor, sweet wife so much turmoil and suffering made him feel sick to his stomach. This woman that he loved more than anything in the whole world ,strong, kind, and forgiving as she was, should not have to endure any of this. But, his involvement with the Third Reich had not only hurt her, he was aware, but thousands of other human beings he’d never meet. They too, were innocent, with all of the pain and horror he had inflicted on them, whether it was intentional or not.
The amount of guilt he felt in this moment was almost too much for him to bear, and as he laid down, he felt bitterness at himself. He would never be able to apologize to all those people he’d wounded, all of the people he aided the Nazis in tortoring. He’d stood by indifferent and passive, while they were gassed, shot, beaten, starved, humiliated and tortured in every way possible? He couldn’t believe he’d ever been so gullible, as to be manipulated into thinking that was okay? There was no explaining or justifying any of that, he knew it now.
Germany had tried to convince him that the Jews were a menace to the country, an enemy that must be annihilated quickly, regardless of what measures must be taken to achieve this. They had had no qualms about killing not only the men, but women and innocent children. In the eyes of Germany, even a small baby was a threat, for one day that child would grow up to be an adult.
The Jews would take over the whole continent of Europe, he’d been taught, and therefore, this must be prevented from happening. But now he knew this was all a lie, now after it was all too late. To be fair, he’d knew that deep down in his soul, he’d believed it was wrong, questioned it in spite of the loyalty to his country. But now he was conscious of the fact that it had really been Nora who had changed his outlook on his position as an SS guard. Without intending to, in her own sweet, subtle way, she’d altered his life forever, and made him remorseful about his career, as a minister of suffering.
She’d been so young, innocent, and was strong and sweet, inspite of all the cruelty that she witnessed every day. She’d lost everything, her family, home, stripped bare of her heritage, forced to be ashamed of where she came and what race she was born into. She’d almost witnessed her sister’s death, and the loss of her virginity to a depraved guard, and still continued to try and love those around her. She’d taken care of her sister to the best of her ability, and remained resilient in the face of hopelessness, exhaustion, heartbreak, and impending death. How many other fearless women like Nora had he hurt? How many survivors like her lay in their beds tonight, tormented by their experiences at Auschwitz?
The answer was countless, he would never know the exact number of victims. Although he may not have directly effected them by engaging in the murder, he was indirectly involved, playing a role by his decision to stay in the camp. He hoped, in some small way, that his abrupt decision to save Annaliese from being beaten to death would be a small indicator he did care. He hoped that protecting Nora from being raped was another indicator that there was some good, even after all the anti-Semitic, hate-filled brainwashing? Perhaps there was still some human compassion and pity left in him, for helpless women being needlessly abused by monstrous men? Henry lay awake for many hours, contemplating all these things with growing agony.
At last he could no longer bear to keep his eyes open, and he went to sleep with the resolve that he would spend the rest of his life making amends to Nora for what he’d done. He didn’t think he’d ever forgive himself, and he felt certain the memories of Auschwitz would torment him forever. But he would do everything in his power to love and comfort his wife, and perhaps he might redeem himself this way, or so he hoped.
Nora leaned wearily over the sink, putting a hand to her flushed forehead. The fever made her feel weak and exhausted, and the sleepless night she’d had didn’t help matters any. It wasn’t just the fever either, it was the pain, heartbreak, and pure rage pulsing through her body. She trembled, reaching out to dip her hands in the basin of water. They were flaming hot, almost as if she’d touched a fire but somehow managed to not be burned. The bright light streaming through the window made her feel dizzy, and she gripped the chair, till her knuckles turned white.
His breath came out short, in small gasps and she clutched at her shirt, as her chest felt spasms of pain. How much more of this life could she take? Was this how life would always be? Empty, drowning, terrified, jolting and starting at every sound in fear, instable, tormented? How could she ever return to normal life, after the horros of war, death, and cruelty had touched her? How could she be a good wife to Henry and a mother to their child? She wondered, as she placed a hand on her stomach. Just then, the door opened and Henry was home, wiping his boots at the door. He stared at her strangely, then with growing concern.
He draped his coat over the chair, then slowly approached her, “Nora, are you alright? You don’t look well.” he said, as his eyes began to take in her fatigued appearance with the confused look on her face. He reached out a hand and touched hers briefly. To his shock, she pushed it away and turned around, her eyes filling with flames, “Don’t touch me!” she snapped, “Nora what is it? Don’t you dare shut me out!” he said, his voice rising in panic. “ I can’t do this anymore! I can’t take any of it anymore! the nightmares, the panic attacks, this horrible fluttering feeling around my chest all day long. I would rather die!” she nearly screamed.
“Don’t say that, Nora. I need you! I couldn’t bear life without you.” “No, you don’t .You’re better off without me. I will never be the same! I will be haunted by these horrible dreams forever! I wish to God I’d been sent to the gas chambers with Kate! At least my family were not left to live in misery for years. Their deaths were quick... painless.” Nora gasped, sitting down on a chair to gain her composure. “How can you say that? Nora, you’re the one who told me God loves everyone, even when they are suffering. He is with you, and you have me. You needn’t feel alone.”
“God has abandoned me, Henry. He has watched my sister and I suffer for a year and a half and done nothing, nothing! And as for you, Henry, what can you possibly know of my suffering? While you and your friends parrolled the streets of Amsterdam, well fed and happy, my people were starved, beaten, raped, and tortured by your fellow Germans! I hate them so much. I hate them taking my mother and Tessa away from me, for killing Kate, for annaliese’s tormented days since we were freed.” The anger pulsed through her like a wildfire, and soon her eyes were brimming with angry tears,
“And yes, Henry, sometimes I do believe I hate you.” she astounded herself as she said it, instantly regretting it. “ You know, Nora, it seems to me, that while wallowing in your despair and sadness, you’ve forgotten everything I ever did for you.I suppose you don’t care to know how I suffer, though I hide it so well. You don’t know of the endless nights I spend filled with remorse at myself, watching you suffer. I don’t need you to remind me of what I used to be! I know you blame me for your suffering, and I hate myself for it!”
“You should have let me die! I’d be better than this!” Nora said bitterly, putting her head down on the table in agony. “Yes, perhaps I should have. And maybe you’d be better without me entirely. Henry said angrily, as tears suddenly began to flow from his eyes. “Perhaps I should leave, because I’m only adding to your pain.” he shouted. He rose quickly from the room, slamming the door behind him in fury. Nora rose angrily, and grabbed the glass vase of flowers on the sideboard. She picked it up, and flung it angrily to the floor, watching it in smug satisfaction as it shattered into a thousand irreparable pieces.
Nora lay in a heap on their bed, her knees drawn up to her chest as she hugged them to her tightly. She was shivering from the chills but couldn’t allow herself the comfort of a blanket. The moon’s soft rays made reflections on the bed, and the open window blew in refreshing summer breezes, The door creaked open a little bit, and the soft sound of Henry’s footsteps reached her ear. He slowly sat down on the edge of the bed, in silent remorse for a while. “Nora..” he said at last, “I wanted to tell you I’m sorry for what I said earlier.. I didn’t mean any of it. I understand why you hate me.”he kept his distance from her, his head bent in defeat as she slowly raised hers. She pushed her tangled hair out of her face, and stared at him. Then she suddenly burst into heart wrenching sobs that caused her to shake uncontrollably, “Henry... I don’t hate you. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean any of what I said about you either. I was just angry, please forgive me.” she cried desperately.
Henry moved a little closer to her on the bed spread and put his hand over hers briefly. “Of course I will, if you agree to forgive me for my harsh words.” his tone was slowly returning to it’s usual tenderness.
Nora sat up slowly, “You aren’t leaving me then?”she said, with a look of surprise registering on her face. “No, why would you think that? I said that in a moment of anger. “Yes, but I wouldn’t blame you if you did. I know I’ve not been a good wife to you, for a while. I’m a mess.”Nora said, lowering her eyes remorsefully. “That’s not true, Nora. It’s not your fault what they did to you. It’s only natural you should be having flashbacks. It’s alright.” he said, cupping her face in his hands,” We’ll get through this, together. I promise, I won’t abandon you. Nora’s emotions were so out of control, from lack of sleep and illness, she began to cry again, at his profession of love. henry drew her closer and kissed her, “lie down, love. You don’t look well. “he said. He lay down beside her, and she buried her face in his chest, “please, for my sake, dearest, you must try to take better care of yourself. This stress and anger isn’t good for you, or the child.’’ he reminded her, placing his hand lovingly on her growing belly.
“I know, I’m sorry?’ Nora sobbed. Henry cradled her head gently to him, “sleep, my love.’’ he whispered, as her eyelashes fluttered with exhaustion. Before he knew it, she was fast asleep.After some time he got up and covered her with the quilt. Then he took a cloth from besides the basin, wetted it, and placed it on her head. He wiped her flushed skin tenderly, as she slept, and then quietly closed the door behind him.
When Nora awoke, bright sunlight was streaming through the blinds and bluebirds were singing cheerfully. Outside her window, another beautiful spring day was beginning and the sky was a deep shade of blue, with puffy white clouds drifting high in the sky. She stretched out tiredly, and then gasped looking at the time. She had less than an hour to get ready for work, she realized. She flung the sheets quickly aside and rushed out to the kitchen. Rummaging through the drawer, she tried hurriedly to decide what to make for a quick breakfast. After a quick moment of contemplation, she withdrew a small carton of eggs and a bottle of milk and began to set about preparation. While it cooked, she washed in the basin by the sideboard and brushed out her hair.She pulled her hair back with a pink ribbon, and then hurriedly set the table for breakfast. She was slicing bread, when Henry at last woke up.
She was so preoccupied she didn’t notice him until he snuck up behind her and slipped his arms around her waist. “Good morning, beautiful.” he whispered in her ear,” You look ravishing today.” Nora blushed, “Henry, I’m in my nightgown and I haven’t done anything with my hair yet.” she giggled as he kissed her neck repeatedly, tickling her until she squirmed in his arms. “Still you look lovely,” he said genuinely. “What time do you have to be in the shop?” “Thirty minutes, so I really better be getting dressed, my dear adoring husband.And what time do you need to be in the office?” she asked, turning to him .” not till 11.” Henry said, as he gratefully accepted the plate of food she offered him.”We’ve had some particularly trying cases as of late, and I’ll be glad to have this one settled for good.”
“I must admit I don’t know how you handle your career at times. It must be so difficult to be exposed to so many awful situations on a regular basis. I can’t imagine how conflicted you are,” Nora said, with obvious admiration.” Nora, I used to be a Nazi guard, working in the most notorious concentration camp. What I handle at the firm is exceedingly mild compared to what I was exposed to at Auschwitz. At least it is entirely up to me to decide what’s just. Although, oftentimes that’s difficult to pin down, I must say.How do I know I’m doing the right thing for everyone involved? “I have faith in you.” Nora was quick to tell him. “You are a good man, and very intelligent and capable.
“Thank you, dearest.” Henry smiled. “Now I must get ready for work.” she grinned, looking at the clock’s hands changing on the wall. Twenty minutes later, she was resplendent in a dark blue dress, with a bonnet with roses to accompany it. She grabbed her coat off the rack, and then her basket, filled with needles and cloth. “I’ll see you tonight, darling.”she leaned down to kiss him. “I left your lunch in the refrigerator.” “Thank you.” Henry replied gratefully, “ Have a good day.” “And Nora...” he added after a moments contemplation. “Please... take care of yourself. “I will.” she promised, as she shut the door behind her, leaving her worried husband alone with his thoughts.
It was a beautiful fall evening, when the golden and red leaves were dotting the cobblestone streets of Amsterdam, and the sky was a deep shade of blue. A cool, refreshing wind blew through the open door, while Nora cheerfully set about preparing dinner, plotting magic with her pot and spoon. There was green beans on the stove, a loaf of french bread in the oven, while she hummed to herself and chopped carrots for her soup. The baby was gurgling happily to himself, as he lay on a soft blanket on the floor, and played with his rattle in contentment. It was almost five o clock, and Nora began to smile to herself in contentment. This was her favorite part of the day, when Henry came home from work. He’d wipe his shoes at the door, kiss her and the baby, and then grab his newspaper, prop his feet up, settling in for dinner.
It was only when this happened that their small family circle was complete. She was stirring the chicken broth with a slotted spoon, when she heard the the door unlatched. Henry stepped noiselessly inside, and took of his boots and cap without a word. Nora looked up from her soup tasting, and stared strangely at him. Even the baby seemed to sense something was amiss, as he stopped his chattering to stare at his father. “Did you have a long day, darling?” she inquired carefully, attributing his odd behavior to a tiring shift. “Yes,” he replied flatly, with little to no emotion in his response.
“Well, you must be hungry.” Nora concluded, trying to distract him from whatever it is was bothering him, “dinner will be ready in just a little while. In the meantime, there’s bread in the oven you can have, if you’re too hungry to wait.” she told him. Henry didn’t respond, sitting down quietly at the table to read the newspaper.
Nora took pot holders to grab the pan of bread from the oven, and began to cut it, watching her husband with growing concern.
Once dinner was finished, there was a delicious spread on the table which she knew in Henry’s normal frame of mind he would have appreciated. She filled two plates for the both of them, and set the baby in the chair to feed him. The meal was a silent one, interrupted only by the baby’s loud exclamations every now and then. Nora would have attempted some kind of polite conversation, but something about the way Henry acted prevented her from doing so. Afterwards, she went to work on the dishes, while Henry picked up the baby to play with him.
She watched them both lovingly, hoping their son would distract his father from whatever his trouble was. It wasn’t long before she’d scrubbed out the plates and silverware, and laid them to dry on the rack. She set to work on the pot, dipping her hands down into the warm, soupy water thoughtfully. Baby henry had begun to suck on his thumb, and then sob as he was apparently teething. Soon, his father had managed to calm him, and he leaned his weary blond head on Henry’s shoulder. Nora dried her hands on her apron, and then silently walked over to them, “here, let me put him to bed.” she whispered, as henry handed her the sleeping child. She cradled the baby in her arms, and went to lay him down in his bed.
As she covered him with the blanket, she leaned down and tenderly kissed his soft forehead, brushing his blond curls out of his face. She decided she must try to keep herself busy and productive for the rest of the night. Whatever was bothering Henry, she sensed he did not want to discuss, so she would try not to bother him. She grabbed her sewing basket from next to the cabinet, and settled herself in the rocker, next to the lamp. “ Henry, why don’t you hand me your jacket please, the one where you tore the sleeve?” she asked him, “I’ll mend it for you, while I’m working on the baby’s coat.” she told him. Henry quietly rose from his seat, and handed it to her,
“Dinner was delicious. Thank you, dearest. ”he commented, and she looked up with a smile at the first words he’d spoken in two hours, “You’re welcome, I’m so glad you enjoyed it.” she smiled, deciding not to comment anything else. She withdrew her needle pillow from the basket, choosing a long silver pin with a blue cap. She draped the sleeve of the cotton coat over the edge of the chair, and set about her task. For a while, there was nothing but silence while she wove the needle and thread up and down in the fabric. Henry took out his briefcase, and began to look over some papers from the law firm. He seemed stressed from the expression on his face, and Nora wondered if it was only his work that was putting him in such a foul mood.
She finished up his coat, and was beginning to start on the baby’s jacket, when Henry shut the briefcase. Abruptly, he stacked the papers together in a pile, and went into the bedroom by himself. Nora sewed for a bit longer, and then finally decided she couldn’t stand a minute longer of this.
She put her sewing basket back in it’s place beside the cabinet, and dimmed the lights in the small sitting area. Then she went into the bedroom, and sat beside her husband, “Henry, are you alright? You’ve hardly said a work all evening to me. I thought perhaps it was just your day at the firm, but I’m starting to get worried.”
He said nothing, just slumped his shoulders down dejectedly and put his head into his hands in obvious dismay, “ Nora, please, it’s probably best if you just leave me alone.” “Henry, you know you can tell me anything. Please, don’t push me away.” Nora pleaded, in desperation.
To her great surprise and shock, the usually tough, confident man she knew began to burst into heart-wrenching sobs. He sighed deeply, “Nora, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for everything, for your nightmares, the panic attacks, all of the pain I’ve caused you and Annaliese. I’m sorry that you had to lose your mother and your sisters in such horrific ways. I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive myself for what I’ve done, for being involved with such evil, but I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make amends.”
Nora was touched by his confession, but her heart was filled with agony for the tormented man in front of her. She put her head on his shoulder, as he continued to sob. It was so rare for her to see her strong husband in such a vulnerable and helpless state, and her heart went out to him.
“It’s ok, Henry. I forgive you, and more importantly God does. We are never fallen down too far, that he can’t reach down and save us. His love is deeper than any pit we may fall into.” she reassured him gently ,” I’m afraid I’ve done too much evil in my lifetime, to be redeemed. Even before I enlisted, I was a horrible boy. I bullied people at my school and I utterly detested God and the Bible. Joining the Third Reich obviously only worsened my opinion in regards to God.”
“Henry, we’ve all sinned and God had already forgiven each and every one of us. You needn’t feel alone as long as you have him, and you know I am here too.”Nora said, putting her hand lovingly over his, “I know.” Henry admitted, he leaned wearily on her shoulder and began to wipe the tears away with his shirt. He put his head in her lap, and she stroked his hair, whispering soothingly to him, wishing there was some way she might ease his pain. Her heart broke imaging the turmoil he must be experiencing, the level of regret for actions he couldn’t take back. When at last the weary man couldn’t cry anymore, she tucked him into bed, as if he were a small child.
And indeed, perhaps in a metaphoric sense, he was, so utterly helpless and small. Weren’t all humans in the eyes of God, especially when repentant for their actions, realizing their dire need for their creator?
Nora laid awake for many hours, watching him and the baby sleep. The second World War had affected everyone she realized, not just her people the Jews. That her poor husband should suffer along with many other Germans made her heart feel as if it might crack in two. The horrors she witnessed in the concentration camp would be with her for the rest if her life and she knew they would never really go away. And perhaps she didn’t want them to. Perhaps she honored the memories of her mother, brother- in-law, and sisters by not forgetting Auschwitz and it’s victims.
As for Henry and the Nazis who had created all the pain and suffering, she could only imagine the remorse those who’d recanted must feel. The responsibility of the deaths of so many innocent people, a burden she knew only God could truly lift.
And as she contemplated this, she wondered if there might be something they could do to ease all these peoples suffering,both the Jews and the Germans and not only them but the whole of Europe, everyone the war had touched.
If they could show these people God’s love while ministering to them firsthand, she knew they might at last find the healing they sought.
Some kind of center where there would be food, board, therapy, in exchange for doing work around the home. There would be a flower and a vegetable garden, she smiled in thought, where they might tend to plants. And the more she thought of this plan, the more ideas came to her and the more determination she had to make it a reality. Perhaps, she thought when Henry was in a better frame of mind, she might broach the subject to him.
Her hope was that in the midst of creating such a haven for the survivors of the war, they might heal themselves and their own individual suffering. For now, she must do everything she could to love Henry, even through this hell he was walking through. The indifference in his eyes to her had hurt her, although she didn’t dare admit it right now. She had to be strong for him, like he had for her so many times before.
She remembered how defenseless and helpless she’d been in front of him, on so many occasions. First, before they'd ever met, when she’d stood naked, vulnerable and trembling with hundreds of other women in the cold shower room and his eyes had been filled with pity. Then again, when she cried for the guard to leave Annaliese alone, and tried in vain desperation to save her sister’s life. on a dark, cold November night, when she nearly lost her innocence, and lay on the freezing ground, her jacket torn and her heart caught in her throat. He could have abused her, or used her then, and he didn’t. He chose to be good to her, to save her life and eventually fall in love with her.
If she had to spend the rest of her life repaying him for this, she would do it. She would love him through all his suffering, even when he wasn't all there because of his pain.
Annaliese was so weak and frail and stumbled wearily through the ditch, trying to muster the energy to lift the shovel full of dirt. Nora could see her resolve was crumbling fast and that her fever was growing worse by the minute. Every grueling, restless day was making her more weak and sick, even though Nora always gave her her bread ration. The guard on the hill watched them, with a stern look of disapproval. While the other woman dug their shovels determinedly into the soil to avoid a beating, Annaliese was walking as slow as ever.
Nora’s heart began to race, as she could sense the guard growing tenser and more agitated by the moment. He watched the group of prisoners with disgust written on his face, at their thin, gaunt figures and helpless states. Annaliese looked as if she might faint, “ Hurry up Jew! Is that really all you manage? Lazy, stupid girl!” the guard screamed in fury, rushing at the small girl with his riding crop. He swung it at her furiously and began to strike her against her neck and back angrily. It was as if a volcano of anger had erupted from within him, and he was a raging storm that couldn’t be quenched. Nora began to rush at him in panic, but Lottie and another older woman pulled her back as she screamed, “no! leave her alone!”. She sobbed in agony, as the guard ignored Annaliese’s persistent cries of pain.
All the women were beginning to look away, some wiping tears from their eyes. Others, the ones who had been in this hell longer, seemed to have grown too indifferent and cold to be bothered by the scene. “Hush, dear.” Lottie soothed, “There isn’t anything you can do. He will hit you too. “ I don’t care.”Nora cried, as her knees felt as if they might buckle beneath her. Suddenly, another guard was rushing to the scene. He had short brown hair and clear blue eyes and seemed shocked at what was taking place, “Stop this! That’s more than enough, Franz! You will kill the girl!” he shouted, yanking the riding crop from his friend’s hands. Franz looked to him in surprise,” What the hell is wrong with you, Henry? She wasn’t working fast enough, lazy girl! what is she to you anyway?” Lottie had released Nora from her grasp, and she now ran to kneel by her sister.
She cradled the poor girl’s blond head in her lap. Blood ran down the side of her face and a small bruise was forming on her cheek. Nora sobbed uncontrollably with relief, shaking with rage at the man standing only a few feet from her.
He attempted to shove her away ,”Go back to work!” he snapped, but once again the other man defender her, “Leave her be for a moment. Her sister is obviously too weak for this kind of work. You should send her to the Kannada or the knitting brigade for the weaker prisoners. She looks very ill.” he commented, with shocking concern.
Nora was dumb founded with shock, at this man so boldly defending her and her sister to this older man. He had an aura of authority about him inspite of how young he looked, compared to the other man. Why was he being so kind? She tried to wipe the blood from her sisters face with her shawl. The younger guard took the older one aside and they began to whisper privately. After a moment, the mean one approached her, “If I send your sister to the knitting brigade you must be willing to do double the work you’re doing now in exchange for this favor, you understand? I am doing you a great justice, Jew, I hope you realize that.”
“Yes, of course, sir, whatever you wish.” Nora responded eagerly “Very well, then. This young man has agreed to take her there, although she seems perfectly capable of walking there herself.’’ the man said with a look of disgust at Annaliese. “Lazy jewish swine.” he spat in the dirt. The kind guard leaned down to help Annaliese up, supporting her on his arm. She looked as if she might faint at any moment, and was deathly pale, “Thank you, sir.” Nora said looking into this mans eyes with immense gratitude.
“You are welcome.” he replied very formally and briskly, although something very close to a smile was creeping on to his face. If not for the other guard’s presence, Nora somehow sensed they would have had a more relaxed encounter. But his harsh, brisk manner forbade either of them to waste time on such a moment. All the women had stopped their work, and leaned on their shovels watching the bizarre scene unfolding in front of them. The guard had been too distracted with Annaliese to notice until now. He glared at the group in front of him. “Alright, all of you back to work now! This is more than enough interruption and excitement for the day!” he snapped.
“I’ll use this on you too if you don’t hurry up.” he warned Nora, who was already rushing to fill her barrow with dirt and rocks.
Nora trembled with fear and trepidation, as she lay speechless and stunned on the icy, cold ground. The hairs on her arm stood up in shock and her teeth chattered nervously, as the overwhelming turn of events. Her eyes were filled with dread and she crawled backward in fear against the brick building. Had this man only defended her to claim her for himself? she wondered suddenly, feeling her stomach lurch at the thought. For a good moment, she sat shaking with disbelief and sobbing with relief. The young guard touched arm and she flinched, as he tried to help her up. “It’s alright, I promise I won’t hurt you.” he assured, seeing the look of pure terror written on her face. She shook her head in fear, backing away from him with shock. “please.” he said firmly, “Come, let me help you up.” Too exhausted to resist him, she took his hand. It was surprisingly warm and strong, compared to her pale and freezing one. She realized, with obvious embarrassment, what a fright she must look to this man, so bereft of order or calm in sharp contrast to him. However, he did not appear to notice in the slightest her rumpled hair, the tear in her stocking, or the torn dress,
“Here, come with me. I’ll get you some new clothes.” he said, leading her expertly past the barracks. The icy, chill winds blew mercilessly, but the world was dark and chill, silent under the canopy of stars. The trees shook briefly in the distance, but there was an eerie, peaceful silence. All of the prisoners were deep in sleep on this chilly fall night. The guard led her past the numerous brick dwellings sprawled out across the vast landscape, and up a hill to a small cabin. The late hour began to take it’s toll on her and she signed from exhaustion. Noticing that she was still trembling uncontrollably, he handed her his coat, draping it gently across her shoulders. It seemed miles to Nora, who was thoroughly exhausted by the walk. In reality it was only five minutes before they arrived at his house. He lit a match, and unlocked the door swiftly, motioning for her to go inside.
Inside, there was a large living room, with a gorgeous carpet and an enormous mahogany book-case that sprawled around half the room. Comfortable leather sofas were situated around a large fireplace with a chimney and in the corner a grand piano was flanked by a rocking chair. A separate door led to what must have been Henry’s bedroom, where Nora could view his enormous canopy bed. She gasped at the size of the house, and it’s resplendent decorations and furniture. The whole environment made her blush, at simply being alone with him in his house. He seemed to sense her discomfort, as he walked swiftly across the room to a small dresser, “I’m not going to force myself on you, I promise.” he assured her.
He handed her a pile of dry clothes, and a towel to shake the icy slush from herself.” Thank you.” she replied gratefully. “the bathrooms that way.” he motioned to the right, where there was a transparent glass door. Nora hugged the clothes wearily to her chest, and smiled tiredly, once the door was firmly locked behind her and she had a little privacy. She slid to the floor, and clapped a hand over her mouth. Only then did the tears come flowing down her cheeks, and she stifled her weeping desperately. The whole traumatic experience of the night was too much for her, the frightening way in which the man had approached her, the feeling of apparent helplessness and despair that she might lose her innocence entirely in this awful place.
After allowing herself a brief moment of relief, she pulled off her torn stockings and slip, along with her dress. She ran her hand through her wet hair, in an attempt to smooth it over, and then put on the new clothes. Then she reluctantly opened the door, holding the wet pile of clothes rather awkwardly. The Nazi man was poking the fire with a stick, stirring the black coals silently. He seemed deep in thought until he was interrupted by her approach. “Here, please sit. Would you like some coffee?” he inquired, “ and let me take those from you.” he motioned and she handed him the pile of wet dress things.
Nora sat down nervously, pulling her shawl around her tighter as if to protect her from this uncomfortable situation. Why was this German being so kind to her? Why did he seem to want her to stay? she wondered, baffled by his seemingly caring behavior. What was she to him anyway? Just one of many Jews he was stationed in authority over here at Auschwitz, a menace to his country. Why had he not raped her or hurt her in some way by now? If that was not his intention what did he want her for?
her thoughts were interrupted by his resounding footsteps, as he returned from the other room. He handed her a steaming mug of black coffee, which she drank gratefully. Then he sat down next to her, and began to warm his hands by the fire. After another long silence, he turned to her with concern,
‘’ Are you alright, love? You seem a bit in shock.” “Yes, I’m fine, sir. I’m just a bit tired.” she muttered quickly, lowering her eyes in embarrassment. Perhaps he’d heard her crying in the bathroom, she wondered, mortified. “Please don’t call me sir. I know that’s what’s expected of you, but between the two of us you can call me by my name. I’m Hendrick Bruan, but you can call me Henry.” he smiled
“Well, alright then, Henry, I’m very appreciative of your assistance this evening, although I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve it.’’ Nora said. There was something very strange about his laid-back behavior, as if she were on the same level with him. What was wrong with this man? She was here to work for Germany and eventually die in the gas chambers or from starvation, not engage in idle conversation with the guards. Why was he so concerned about her well-being? What was she to him?
He laughed good naturally and then asked, “ and what do you go by?”
“I’m Nora, Nora elise roberts.” “That’s a beautiful name.” he complimented her, causing her to blush again. Did he realize his keen ability to turn her skin shades of red she didn’t even know existed? “thank you.” she smiled, her long, black lashing brushing her skin as she lowered her eyes in embarrassment. It had been so long since someone had called her by her name, it gave her chills for a moment, especially just hearing herself say it out loud. “ Well, you must be tired. I would like you to stay here tonight, I assure you you will feel safer here from that man than in the barracks. I assure you I won’t try to touch you.” he told her, “There’s a guest bedroom where I think you’ll be very comfortable.” Nora was beside herself with shock, “ why are you being so kind to me?” she asked him, as he led her to the bedroom. “I’m a Jew.” she reminded him, with shame registering in her features.
“ Nora, I don’t care in this instant, whether you are a jewish prisoner or not. That man was about to take advantage of you, and I simply felt it my responsibility to protect you.” he stated simply. “I am grateful to you,.” Nora said genuinely, locking eyes with him for a brief moment. The look of pure tenderness in his eyes nearly took her breath away, and her eyes watered as his soft blue eyes had stared into hers.She sucked in the breath she’d been holding, and glanced shyly around the room.He placed a match inside a small glass lamp, “Well, here you are. I hope you sleep well. I’ll take you back to your block at daybreak, and you needn’t worry about the guards. I’ll explain to them.” he reassured her,
“Thank you.” Nora said again. He bid her goodnight and then exited the room, leaving her alone with her thoughts. she pulled back the covers of the quilt, and climbed wearily beneath the sheets. What had she ever done to deserve being treated so well by a nazi? She felt guilty as she thought of Annaliese, Lottie, and the other women prisoners who dozed on rough lice- ridden straw, while she had the rare privilege of sleeping on an actual mattress.In spite of this, she found herself smiling, remembering the German’s eyes staring at her with admiration, and how soothing his hand had felt on hers. It almost didn’t matter that he was a Nazi. His kindness shone like a golden beacon of hope in a dark room, amidst all the darkness and cruelty. Once again, tears slowly began to trickle down her cheeks and her eyes at last shut in exhaustion, as she drifted into a deep slumber.
When she awoke, it was dawn and a golden sunrise was setting outside her window, painting the world in shades of purple and gold, casting beautiful rays on the white snow outside. She pushed the blankets hurriedly off herself and smoothed her clothes and hair. Henry was shaking the snow from his boots and had just come in from this morning rounds. “Good morning,” he smiled. His blue eyes sparkled like diamonds, and his flushed, red cheeks made him look incredibly handsome. “ If you come with me, i’ll take you back to your sister, She’s very anxious to see you.” at the mention of her sister, Nora looked up eagerly. “Isn’t there something I might do to repay you?” she wanted to know, looking desperately at him.
“Yes, actually, there is something I would like to ask for. “ Henry replied, “anything you want.” nora told him, without hesitation. She felt overwhelming nerves though, for after all she didn’t know this man or whether she could actually trust him yet, in spite of his apparent kindness.
She waited anxiously for what he was going to say, her heart fluttering, beating so fast she felt light headed for an instant. “May I kiss you?” Nora trembled with sudden fear, and she felt an eruption of butterflies in her stomach, “Yes. “ she quickly stuttered, while her heart seemed it would be caught in her throat. She stood as still as she could, as he slowly approached her. He ran a finger down her cheek, cupping her face in his hands, “close your eyes, please.” he said. Nora did exactly as he requested, but still couldn’t get herself to stop shaking, She’d never been kissed by a man, and certainly not under such circumstances. “ Relax, I won’t hurt you, love.” he soothed and then his lips found hers and he kissed her. It was soft and warm and beautiful, making her literally forget everything. all reason or reality seemed to have vanished within that kiss, lost in his sudden desire for her.
For a brief moment, it seemed she had almost forgotten he was her enemy. What had come over her? Henry pulled away from her, and smiled. “Thank you, Nora.”. He handed her a small parcel wrapped in brown paper, “ Please, take this for your sister. She doesn’t look very well.” “ Thank you.” Nora said, once again astonished by his kindness and generosity. “May I see you again?’’ Henry then inquired, with a tremendous sense of urgency in his voice. Nora was already numb from the shock of it all, and this question took her aback even more. “I’m very lonely here, without my family. I’d like if you’d visit me in the evenings, at the end of your work day, if that’s alright with you.”
“of course I will.” Nora readily agreed. She was eager to repay this man, for the great favor he had done her and Annaliese. But she was still stunned. It was the first time in a great while anyone had given a thought to what she wanted, and respected her enough to ask her wishes. It made her feel very strange, as though she’d forgotten she had a voice, given that the choice was up to her. Her humanity was slowly escaping her, she realized with horror. After four months of being prisoner 25439, she found it hazy to remember she was a human being. this man, for some reason, reminded her of her identity as a person.
Henry pulled open the door, motioning for her to follow him. As he did so, a strong gust of cold wind blew through the door, nearly slamming it behind them. Nora wrapped her shawl protectively around her head, as she followed him down the steep hill. It was difficult to keep up with his long strides, as she trecked through the sludge and deep snow. While he was equipped with tall combat boots, she had only the small wooden klompen the camp prisoners were allowed. Her feet were cold and numb by the time they arrived at Block 28.
“Thank you once again for what you’ve done for me.” she said gratefully, her hungry, tired eyes peering gratefully into his, “ I will do whatever it takes to repay you for your kindness.” she said, “The greatest kindness you can do for me is to keep me company.” Henry was quick to counter, “Of course, whatever you wish.” Nora said, “I’ll have one of the guards bring you to my home tomorrow. Until then, I wish you and your sister well.” Henry smiled again. His cheeks had begun to glow, in-spite of the chill fall air. His breath was transparent, and he blew into his gloves to try and warm himself. “Thank you.” Nora responded, wrapping her shawl even tighter around her. He opened the door for her, and then he was gone, trekking back up the hill for his duties.
Nora rushed quickly inside her barracks to join Annaliese with the row of women awaiting their daily ration of coffee. After she’d received her cup, she followed the other women to the knitting brigade, were they were to knit a quota of scarves and hats. She signed with relief that they got to work inside today. Tomorrow would be more of the same backbreaking manual labor, so she might as well enjoy it while it lasted. “Nora!” annaliese cried upon seeing her older sister. Nora pulled her little sister into a bear hug, cradling her blond head to her chest,
“How are you, dearest?”
“I’m alright.” annaliese whimpered, leaning against her sister for support. “I’m just a bit sore.” she confided in a whisper. Nora hugged her tighter, stroking her blond curls lovingly. She led her to a chair, where the women guards handed them their yarn, knitting needles, and a paper of the day’s quota. For a while, there was only the sound of needles clicking together, aside from the occasional sigh or cough. “Where were you last night?” Annaliese probed in an eager whisper, “ I was so worried.”
“ Let me tell you later. I promise it’s a good story.” Nora assured her with a promising grin. “ Oh, good, I can’t wait.” Annaliese whispered back, her eyes glowing for a moment in merriment. “Prisoners must remain silent!” the woman guard snapped, bringing the two girls back to reality. Nora quickly resumed her work in silence, weaving the silver needles in and out of the grey fabric. But her thoughts kept drifting to Henry, and his unexpected kindness, the way he had looked at her, and then the kiss he had so unexpectedly asked her for.
Most of the men in the camp had regarded her with disgust, like every other Jewish prisoner they were in charge of. Some of them had smirked and laughed at her, with nothing but lust and fulfilling their sexual desires. They only wanted to use her, trapped in this living hell with no access to German women back home.
And when her and Annaliese had been stripped even of the clothes on their back, they had laughed at her pain and shame, standing naked and vulnerable for a dozen guards to derive visual pleasure out of. She now remembered, although she had not known him then, that Henry had been among the soldiers.
But she recalled strangely, how he had been the only one who had not laughed or jested, making a scene out of the naked women forced to parade past him. Instead on his face had crept the closest thing to pity she’d seen since she’d arrived at Auschwitz. It had baffled her then, just as his increasingly kind behavior did now.
It was all too much for her to grasp at the moment, much like everything else this horrible, heartbreaking year. Yet she couldn’t help but feel that a small glimmer of hope was forming for her on the horizon, still burning like a spark, although the heavy darkness around her threatened to block out the sun. All of this, well it seemed more bearable with him, and she felt safer knowing he would look out for her and Annaliese.
Later on, when all the women were beginning to fall asleep, Annaliese again began to question her sister about what had happened. “Well, you see, one of the women guards had asked me to take out the garbage and I had a terrible encounter with one of the guards, who happened to be smoking out there. I believe he was drunk, but in any case he tried to force himself on me.” she told her sister, who gasped with horror. “ but before he got far, this other Nazi guard happened to be making his rounds. He defened me against this older man, and then gave me fresh clothes. He let me warm myself by his fire, and he gave me coffee.
He was very worried about my safety and well-being, and asked me to stay the night in his guest room. He even told the women guards, so they wouldn’t wonder why I wasn’t in my barracks.” Nora told all this breathlesly in a whisper, as not to wake the other women. “ Oh my! Why do you think he would be kind to you like that. You’re a jew, and his prisoner.” annaliese excliamed. ‘’ I have no idea.’ Nora confessed, with an excited smile. “Oh, and I forgot to tell you the best part. When he brought me back this morning, I asked him if there was anything I might do for him in return. He asked if he might kiss me. “What was it like?”Annaliese asked eagerly, “He was very gentle and sweet.” Nora almost giggled into the dark. “Will you see him again?” Annaliese asked.
“yes, actually he has invited me to see him at his house, at night when the work day is over.” Nora replied. She undid her long, black hair from its handband and lay back on the straw next to her sister. “Are you alright?” she then inquired tenderly, as her sister
nestled her head into the crook of her arm, “Yes, I’m ok” Annaliese said sleepily. Nora pulled the wollen blanket around them. “It’ll feel better in a few days, I’m sure.” Here Henry gave me this for you.” she withdrew the small package she’d been hiding in her shawl. It was a small bottle of ointment. She slid her arm gently under her sisters back. “I’ll help you with when we go to the showers this week.”she assured her sister, who was already fast asleep.
The next day, Annaliese and Nora were again assigned to their regular work details, for miles. stretched out in the snowy distance, trenches were filled with women armed with shovels. The old and the young, the weak and the strong, some of the girls as young as 12 were forced into this hard larbor even. Nora worked faster than usual today, in spite of the knawing hunger in her belly. The day seemed to drag on endlessly, as if it might never end. She realized she was only eager to see Henry again, and that was why the dull, tedious routines of the camplife bored her. She did her best to stay focused, as she pushed her barrow filled with rocks and dirt in line.
She ate the same tasteless leek soup for lunch, ignoring the empty feeling trying to get to her again. As she set her bowl down with the others, rain began to fall and then thunder rumbled through the camp. For the rest of the grueling 12-hour work day, the women were forced to work in pouring rain. By 6pm, Nora’s clothes were drenched, sticking to her cold, wet skin. She used her blanket to attempt and dry her matted hair, before she was supposed to see Henry. She pitied the older and weaker women, who were being led inside from the torrent, shivering uncontrollably. Many of them had been beaten earlier, as they were growing weaker and unable to keep up the pace of the younger, more energetic prisoners.
At long last, around 8pm, the women matron snapped at her to come along. By then, it was pitch black outside and the downpour of the afternoon had faded to a light drizzle, that sent chills up her spine. Using her handkerchief, she managed to wipe the remainder of mud from her hands, and tried to look as composed as possible, inspite of the circumstances. The matron nodded and soluted the male guard outside, then ushered her inside. Henry sat by the fire, polishing his gun, his leg straddled across his knee as he worked steadily, “please sit. “ he motioned.
Nora did so cautiously, trying still to dry her wet hair. “ How are you?”he asked,” Has that lietenant been giving you any trouble?” “ No, not anymore at all, thanks to you.” Nora smiled, rubbing her chilled hands together over the fire to warm them. “So, tell me about your family is it just you and your younger sister?”
“No, I had a mother and two other sisters, but they died not long after we arrived here. There was a typhoid epidemic that claimed both my mother and my older sister’s lives. My younger sister, I’ve been told, was sent to the gas chambers. “I’m so very sorry, Nora. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through. But you seem very strong.” Henry said. Nora’s eyebrows went up. He was sorry? A Nazi guard, who every day saw people shot, beaten, starved, and gassed to death? “
“Well, thank you. But I am only managing to be strong for the sake of my sister. If it weren’t for her, I’d pray to be sent to the gas chambers and an easy escape. I’m all she has left, now that our mother is gone.” Nora suddenly blurted, shocked by how bold she’d just been with this German. For a brief moment, she was terrified he might strike her for her bold protests of this camp, and she quickly blurted an apology, “ You needn’t apologize to me. I don’t expect you to pretend about the conditions here. I’m well aware of them, I’ve worked here for two years.” he snapped bitterly.
He quickly reprimanded herself, as he realized how harsh his tone had been. “Forgive me, I didn’t mean to snap at you.” he apologized. Nora was, not for the first time since she’d met him at a loss for words. A nazi had tried to rape her, and here was Henry apologizing for a few carelessly harsh words! What was this strange place she had come to? “ Were you close to your family, I presume?”
he then questioned her. “ Yes, we were very close.” Nora answered quickly, “My father died when I was quite young, and it was hard for our family to make ends meet for awhile. Me and my two older sisters worked long hours to pay the bills. My older sister Tessa had actually just married a man in the camps, before we were arrested. Unfortunately we were seperated upon arrival here, but were told by a friend that he was shot in the camps. My sister was heartbroken and didn’t eat for days.”
“Yes, the men in the camps are treated very badly. Many of them are shot or sent to the gas chambers instantaneously, What of your younger sister? Did she have a boyfriend in the camps? “ No, she was rather young. She had dreams of becoming an actress. Actually before we were captured, we were celebrating her acceptance into an acting school. “And what of you? What was your occupation before the war?” “I was just a seamstress. My older sister, Tessa, was always far more ambitious than me. She went to college to become a nurse, but I must confess I was never much of a scholar myself.” Nora said.
“Did you attend college?” she then asked cautiously, “I mean before you joined the army?” “Yes, I earned a law degree from a prominent university, before recruitment. Honestly, I miss my days of being a careful school boy. I realize it sounds very foolish to you, as you’ve clearly endured more than me at the hands of the war. Yet I feel that I’ve lost my innocence. I’ve seen things, the horrors of starvation, disease, and death firsthand.” The young german ran his hands through his hair in apparent frustration.
He didn’t know why he was opening up to this Jewish girl like this. “This was never what I planned on, not the life I envisioned. Actually, I hoped to be married by now and starting a family. But war changes everything. I felt when I left home I had a duty to my country, and that I must go to serve my fellow countrymen. But it is rather difficult at times, being so far from my family and homeland.” he admitted.
“ Well, serving your country is certainly admirable. It’s a very brave thing to do, and it certainly takes courage to be willing to lay your life down for your country.” Nora said, carefully weighing your words. She was willing to do or say anything to this man, if it might get her in his good graces and save Annaliese. She cared little for herself, but for the sake of her young, sweet sister, she felt a little flattery couldn’t hurt. “Do you not resent Germany for oppressing your country though?” Henry then demanded, shocking her even more. What did he care for her resentment? Was he only trying to trap her into saying something that might get her killed? Nora wondered in fear.
“ Of course I have resentment. The germans have caused me and my family great pain.” she finally said, daring to be honest with this man who obviously only wanted the truth from her, “But God calls us to forgive our enemies, and though I can’t pretend I’ve come to that place in my life, I know it is ultimately what he would have me do.”she admitted, “That is very admirable, but I wouldn’t blame you one bit if you hated us.” Henry said. By now, he had finished polishing his gun, and the silver pistol glowed in the light of the warm fire, reflecting it’s red flames. He placed four bullets in it one by one, and then sit it up against the fireplace. He rose to return the cap full of bullets, rag, and bottle of polish to the overheard cabinet.
“Well, you’d best be getting back. You’ve had a long day and I don’t want you to be tired on account of me. Thank you for talking with me, Nora. I will see you again tomorrow.” he smiled warmly at her, and she gave him a shy smile in return. The next thing she knew the woman guard was knocking loudly on the door, and leading her away, back to the barracks, back to reality.
Over the course of the next month, Nora spent almost every night with Henry.
as time passed, it seemed he was growing very fond of her. She was still at a loss to explain why. She was consistently teased by her sister about it, but most of the women in the barracks were disturbed with her relationship with the SS guard.. They worried he was only using her, to get information and to fulfill his own desires. He only pretended to care about her, they often told Nora, and once he was through with her, he’d pretend she never existed. Nora honestly didn’t know what to make of it, and didn’t know whether to believe these woman or not. She insisted that she was not sleeping with her rescuer, but whether or not anyone believed that she didn’t know.
Sometimes, at the short lunch breaks in her work day, he would pass her while doing inspections of the barracks or other duties. He would always stop briefly, to give her a smile, or a knowing glance. But most of the time when they weren’t alone at his home, he kept a reserved and professional demeanor, treating her like every other prisoner. Meanwhile, Henry was being bothered by his fellow Nazi peers, about their growing relationship.
Usually it was just a casual jest about him being a Jew lover, but one night he was particularly offended by the commends being made on his account. Three other guards were warming their hands around a small fire, smoking, talking and laughing. Henry was rather quiet this night, engulfed in his own private thoughts of Nora of course.
“I’d give anything to have one of those pretty German girls right now, one of the ones I saw at university.” the one guard commented. This evolved into a rowdy discussion, involving the men bragging of all their sexual encounters with women. These men were deprived of sex and love entirely, being stationed out here with little contact with the outside, civilized world. As such, their thoughts and actions were rampant.
“Eh, Bruan, what about you? Are you shagging that pretty little Jewish girl?” the one man suddenly demanded, waking Henry from his reverie. “Absolutely not. I’m just lonely, and she happens to be good company.”Henry lashed out instantly, turning to his friend with rage. “I would touch her unless that was what she wanted.” he insisted. His friend laughed, “and do you honestly think she’s ever going to want to go to bed with you, a Nazi?” the men burst into a loud fit of laughter. “You’re delusional, Bruan. She’s trapped here, you might as well get some pleasure and amusement out of her, while you can.”
Henry was horrified, “Piss off!” he snapped, “Well don’t act like we have no reason to be suspicious, son. The girl comes to your house every night, and don’t think we don’t know about her spending the night. It would be a more than plausible conclusion to come too. and besides, you’d have nothing to be ashamed of it you are sleeping with the girl. We’re all men and we can certainly all see how beautiful she is, jew or no.” the older capttin commented, with a chuckle.
Henry was fuming, “ I realize how it might look, but that is not what’s going on. I do happen to think she’s beautiful, and also strong and kind.” he admitted. “Aww, come on, now. Don’t tell me you’re developing feelings for her! she’s one of a million girls, lad. There’s plenty of pretty German girls you can have, as soon as this thing’s over. Before you know it, she’ll die of one of the horrid diseases here, or be sent to the gas chambers. What is the point of becoming attached? Besides, you know the law forbids it. “Franz reminded Henry. “Yes, I have developed feelings for her. And unlike you Franz, I actually want something more than some stupid whore to fool around with. I don’t need your approval for my life, so sod off!: Henry roared, throwing his cigarette stub down angrily, and stalking back to his cabin. The men all roared with laughter, at his little tirade, “Give him a day, He’ll cool off, the little hothead.” the older lietenant laughed with them.
The next day was Christmas Eve, and Nora was busily knitting a gift for her sister. The one female guard had kindly led her have some extra material to make a scarf for Annaliese. There was little that would be festive about Christmas this year, with no tree and none of Mama’s delicious, wholesome cooking. But Nora was determined to make the best of it, even with the bitter cold and meager food. Around five, she was summoned as always to Henry’s house. Even the sour -faced woman who always escorted her seemed in holiday spirits.
Nora entered the cabin to see that Henry and another man were seated at a dinner table, with an elegant lace tablecloth draped over it. the drab fireplace now had a red and green christmas wreath hanging atop, and five bright red candles lit the center of the table. As a prisoner, Nora was hungry for any bright, cheery colors she could find, and this house was abundant with them. Henry greeted her as usual, and then asked the man to leave them. Her mouth watered at the delicious spread on the lace tablecloth, roast turkey, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread with butter. When was the last time she’d tasted such delicacies?
“Are you hungry? There’s plenty. What a silly question, of course you are.”Henry said, “please, help yourself. Have as much as you like.”she thanked him gratefully and sat down, filling her plate with small portions as not to upset her stomach. The food was divine, it was like she’d completely forgotten what real food tasted l Mouth-watering juicy meat after months of bland gruel and potatoes, soft savory bread and fluffy, flavorful mashed potatoes with seasoning. It was all too much, and once again, she found herself feeling guilty for being allowed such indulgences, while people were starving to death around her.
Henry seemed happy to see her eating, and once they were finished, they adjoined to the sofa, as usual with their coffee. Nora noticed, not for the first time the beautiful maghony piano in the corner, and commented on its beauty. “Do you play?’’ Henry asked, pleased that she had noticed the fine instrument, “It was my mothers, she was a concert pianist.” “Yes, actually, I did, before the war more often.” Nora admitted.
“Would you please play a song for me? No one has touched the piano since I brought it. None of the house staff, or guards know how to play it. I’m so homesick for my mother, it will help hearing music. “Well, I doubt, I’m as talented as your mother, but I will do my best.”Nora promised. She rose from her seat, and crossed the room gracefully, seating herself on the small plush bench. she ran her fingers lovingly over the polished wood frame, and white keys with admiration. It had been so long since she’d had the privilege of playing a piano. Then, she mustered all her courage and confidence and began to play. It was a Christmas carol, “Silent Night”, and as the evening wore out, Henry begged her to play more such songs.By nightfall, he had completely lost himself in the music. She played Beethoven, Bach, Mozart, as requested by him. He was completely and irrevocably captivated by her, lost in the calming, beautiful melodies filling the living room. she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever laid eyes on, besides his own dear mother. Her skin was so soft, and he swore when he looked into those doe-brown eyes he forgot everything.
The war, the concentration camp, his duties to his country, his responsibility to eradicate the Jewish race, it seemed to vanish in that room. There was hope glowing in her eyes, full of emotion. As she watched her head bent in concentration over the sheet music, he knew there couldn’t possibly be any way he could stand by and let this innocent soul be sent to the gas chambers, or be starved to death. He must protect her at every opportunity, regardless of the cost. She had left an imprint on his heart, that he knew would last forever. When she finished, he applauded her, “That was beautiful. You really must play more for me. The other men would enjoy it tremendously, as well if you don’t mind doing us the honor. “Of course not, I’d be pleased to. “Nora said. “Why are you so eager to please me? Why are you so kind?”Henry suddenly asked her, “That’s a silly question. You saved my life, and my sisters.” Nora laughed, “But I am still a Nazi. We killed your mother, your sisters.... your brother-in-law.”
“ but you saved me and Annaliese. I honestly think you have too good a heart to deliberately murder innocent people, Henry. I can’t imagine it.” she was flattering him again, trying to worm her way in.
“And yet I work for Germany. I see people die every day, because they are trapped in this place. I escort men, women, and children to the gas chambers. I hear their muffled screams as the life drains out of them, and they suffocate! I do nothing to save all those people, Nora. You and Annaliese are two girls out of a hundred thousand people to come through those gates. I have watched fifty people in a row be shot right in front of me, at the black wall. I have watched them bleed. I have dragged their emaciated bodies away, and thrown them into a ditch like animals.Does that not make me an evil human being?”
“I suppose it does.” Nora admitted, wondering why he was telling her all this, “If you believe you’ve done wrong, Henry, God is always willing to forgive you, if you ask him to. We’ve all sinned against his holy name, but all we need do is repent and ask for his forgiveness and we’ll receive it.”
“ I don’t think God can forgive a man like me.” Henry admitted, bitterness seeping into his voice again. “Yes, he can. He forgave the very people who beat him and condemned to crucification on a cross. And henry, I don’t think you aren’t redeemable. There is obviously still some good left in you, if you were willing to help me as you have.”
“Yes, but I’ve gotten to know you. i’ve seen that you are innocent. I don’t know all of the other people in this wretched place. I see their faces, but we’ve been trained to view them as a menace, a threat. a danger to our country, to Europe. From what I’ve observed of you, you don’t seem to pose much of a threat. I can’t say for the thousands of other people I watch suffer on a regular basis, in this hellhole.”Henry told her. Something in the way he said all this made Nora think he was reaching out, asking for answers she didn’t have. “You do seem very conflicted to me.”Nora observed, “You are torn between loyalty to your country, and the injustices you encounter here, that cause you to question your loyalties. “Yes, that’s it exactly. But how can you make sense of all the brutality you see every day? Don’t you question your God for your sisters untimely deaths? For being taken advantage of by that soldier?”
“ Well, for one thing he didn’t rape me. You stopped him before he could do anything.” Nora started, “But what if I hadn’t? You could be carrying a German’s child now, or at the least have lost your virginity to a monster!’ What use would your God be to you then? “God gives men free will, and oftentimes they use it for evil. He can’t force them to make the right decisions.” Nora said, trying in vain to decide what she might say in response.
“I’m sure it breaks his heart to see his people suffer, but he is always with us, no matter what, even in perilous, hopeless times like these.”
“ He holds our hand in the darkest hours, even in the valley of the shadow of death.” “ Do you think, although, as you say, your God gives us a choice, that he hates me for playing a role in the Jews suffering?”Henry probed. “God doesn’t hate anyone. He sent his son Jesus to save his people from sin and Jesus. Jesus spent time with many immoral people, like prostitutes and thieves. He came among us, as a human being, and was tempted as we were and yet never sinned. He calls us to forgive our enemies, his his forgave his own. If I claim to follow him, I must forgive the Germans. I can’t possibly do it in my own strength, but with Jesus all things are possible.” Nora suddenly realized she’d been talking a while and quickly apologized, “I”m sorry... I don’t mean to preach to you.”
“No, you needn’t apologize for being passionate. Honestly, I envy you for your faith and how it sustains you, even here, in a death camp.” Henry admitted, “As for myself, I’ve never been a religious man. I’ve always had some belief in God, I suppose, but no faith. Certainly not the kind you have, which is so much a living, breathing part of everything you say or do.” he continued, staring at her with admiration in his searching eyes. “God can heal your broken heart, Henry. He can love you and bring you peace and joy, and fill the emptiness I know you carry. You just have to have faith. Jesus said even something as small as a grain of faith can move mountains.” “ Well, I certainly want to hear me about this Jesus of yours, but we can talk more tomorrow. It’s getting late, and your sister will be worried.” He grabbed her hand to help her up, and once again she felt the eruption of butterflies in her stomach, at his soft touch. He led her to the door, and signaled for the guard to escort her back to the barracks, “Merry Christmas, Nora Elise.” he bid her farewell at the door. “Merry Christmas, Henry. May God bless you?
On the way back to the barracks, the woman guard seemed to be in an exceptionally good mood. Nora almost stopped dead in her tracks, when she suddenly blurted, “That boy’s in love with you, you know?” “How.. can.. you ... tell?”Nora stuttered nervously, shocked to be having such a normal conversation with this usually cold-hearted woman. “It’s written all over his face, in his eyes, the way he looks at you. I was in love once. Trust me, I know. “the older woman said wistfully, with a knowing look. Nora was stunned. ‘‘Henry, in love with her? She knew he liked her, but love? Could such a pure thing bloom in this wretched hell?
Nora wondered to herself, as the guard opened the door to Barracks 28.
“Merry Christmas, Lassie. Take care of yourself, will you?” the guard said, shocking herself even more. She felt as if she might glide on air, as she tiptoed across the straw floor. Her mouth was parched from thirst, and she struggled to find her way to the spigots, at the back of the dank, smelly room. The cold floor seeped through her torn shoes, which were literally on the verge of falling apart.As she was leaning down over the faucet to take a drink, one of the woman guards yanked her head back roughly,” I don’t know who you think you are, visiting that guard every night, sleeping with the enemy.You’re nothing but a worthless Jew. He’s only using you. You’re a fool if you think he actually gives a damn about you.” she snapped. Before Nora even had a chance to say anything, another woman’s voice interrupted, “Shut the hell up, Francine. You’re just jealous, because you’ve always liked Henry. Besides, the Jew’s way prettier than you.” she added. Nora stood in utter shock, as the guard suddenly seemed to forget her, and began loudly arguing with the other woman.
“Go back to your cot, Jew and stop sneaking around back here!” she finally shouted, but Nora was already running off before the woman could slap her with her leather riding crop. “You’re lucky these Jews wore me out today, chasing them around, or I’d give you a good talking to, Maud. Who do you think you are?”she heard the other woman say, as Nora climbed into her bed beside Annaliese. She was lucky the other clever woman had saved her receiving anything beyond a sharp reprimand. The next day, Christmas, was a joyous occasion for everyone, although there was little food and no money to buy gifts, of course. The women in the barracks had banded together, and were determined to make it as festive as possible, even if it required some creativity.
“Go back to your cot, Jew and stop sneaking around back here!” she finally shouted, but Nora was already running off before the woman could slap her with her leather riding crop. “You’re lucky these Jews wore me out today, chasing them around, or I’d give you a good talking to, Maud. Who do you think you are?”she heard the other woman say, as Nora climbed into her bed beside Annaliese. She was lucky the other clever woman had saved her receiving anything beyond a sharp reprimand. The next day, Christmas, was a joyous occasion for everyone, although there was little food and no money to buy gifts, of course. The women in the barracks had banded together, and were determined to make it as festive as possible, even if it required some creativity.
The guards were in a rare frame of mind, from their drunken festivities the night before. For some reason they didn’t dare to stop the prisoners, when they decided to break out in Christmas carols.
This lasted for a blissful half hour, then Nora decided to share the small bit of food Henry had given her. It certainly wasn’t enough to go around, but the women on her tier were grateful for even a bite of the succulent meat.
At lunch, they had soup as always and then were marched outside for the day’s work. Nothing, not even the bitter cold winds or the dirt caked beneath her fingernails and staining her hands, could deter Nora today. Christmas had always been Mama’s favorite holiday, and her heart warmed in spite of the fact she was no longer with them.
She knew her mother was watching over her and Annaliese from above and she hoped she would be proud of her, for trying her best to care for Annaliese, even when pure exhaustion and hopelessness threatened to swamp her. She wondered what Mama would think if she knew that Nora spent every evening with an SS guard, and even let him kiss her. She laughed, realizing that her mother would more than likely have loved Henry and his tender, caring nature. She would love him like Jesus, and understand why Nora felt the need to befriend him for the sake of her and Annaliese’s survival. Mama always knew how to take the most horrible circumstances and make beauty out of them. If she was still here now, Nora was sure she’d be telling all these poor, hopeless souls of God’s love for them, and how he came as a tiny baby to save them.
By nightfall, Nora and Annaliese had exchanged the scarves they’d knitted for each other. They lay side by side on the straw, after evening roll call had commenced, in exhaustion. Nora stroked her sister’s hair lovingly, as they reminisced on Christmases gone by.
“Remember how Papa would let us light the Hanukkah candles, one for each of his princesses he’d say.”Annaliese whispered into the dark, “And how we’d help Mama deliver the bread and packages to the children at the orphanages?” “Yes, I remember.” Nora smiled, “ I feel as if we’re honoring them both, by trying to keep the spirit of Christmas alive here.” she continued.
“Are you going to see Henry again tonight?” Annaliese said abruptly. “Yes, dearest, just as I have every night for quite some time.” Nora answered. “You like Henry, don’t you?” Annaliese asked quietly. “Of course I like him. He saved your life, and mine. He’s given us food to keep us alive.” “Yes, of course he has. But you like him because he’s handsome, kind, and gentle. In fact, Nora, I do believe you love him.”
“Maybe I do.”Nora admitted into the stuffy darkness of the room, “But it doesn’t matter how I feel, Annaliese. It would never work between us. As soon as this war is over, Henry will forget all about me. He’ll find a German girl to settle down with, back home, and lord-willing you and I will be going back to Holland.”Nora said hopefully, remembering not to voice your fears on whether they’d survive, for the sake of her sister.
“But what about all the romance novels I’ve read? Where love always wins? look at Romeo and Juliet. Their families and backgrounds were totally different, The Capulets and the Montagoges couldn’t stand one another. Did that stop them from falling in love?”Annaliese demanded.
“ I think you’re being rather dramatic, Annie. They took their love to rather an extreme, even for me. Are you suggesting Henry and I commit suicide rather than not be together?
“No, of course thats not what I’m saying. The point is love always finds a way, and wouldn’t let something as inconsequential as backgrounds get in the way.” Annaliese protested.
“ I wish it was that simple, dearest sister. But Romeo and Juliet is only a story, and real life doesn’t work like that. Henry will forget I ever existed, as soon as this war is over.He just needs me now, because he’s lonely without his family, away from home. “I disagree. I think if he really loves you, he’ll find his way back to you, no matter what it takes. “Annaliese humped, rolling over on her side with a pout.
Henry was sitting by the fire when Nora arrived, and the lights were all dimmed in the house, save for the fire that made reflections on the wall. “How are you this evening?” he inquired, “ I am well, thank you. Did you receive any Christmas letters from home?” she asked, “Yes, from my mother. She is anxious for my return home.” Henry smiled quietly into the fire, “I’m sure she misses you.” “It must be difficult not having your family this Christmas.” Henry commenting, opening a wound that was already a sore spot for her, “It is, but Annaliese and I managed to make it as festive as we could, despite the circumstances. She’s very grateful for the food you sent by the way. She was very adamant I tell you. “Nora laughed.
“ I would love to meet her. If she anything like you, I’m sure she will be lovely.” Nora blushed crimson, and there was a peaceful silence, followed only by the flames dancing and cracking in the fireplace. Henry suddenly withdraw from his pocket a small black book and handed it to her. She gasped at the object in her hands, lovingly running her fingers over the gold engraved words. A Bible. how long had it been since she’d been allowed to possess this, once a comm to her and now a forbidden luxury. “ I want you to read to me tonight.” Henry said, “ I want to hear more about this Jesus, and I assure you no one will report you for having this. It is a gift. I had one of the nurses get one for me, and as I have connections with practically the whole camp, she did not object to my request.”
Nora gasped again, with shock. “Thank you so much. You can never know what this means to me. This place is suddenly more bearable, now that I have this precious book in my possession.”
“ I’m so pleased. I want you to read whatever you like to me. Reading had always relaxed me, when I’m in a bad mood.” Nora was overjoyed, and could hardly contain her excitement. She opened the Bible to the New Testament, and decided to read from the book of Matthew. Her soft voice was soon filling the room with God’s promises to his people, “ Come to me, all who are are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble of heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” she read.
Afterwards, she decided to flip to the gospel of John, and read slowly to him, hoping that these verses were bringing some sort of comfort/solace to the troubled man across from her, “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you. I do not give it to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid.” she stopped for a moment, “I’m afraid I will quickly bore you. This must be dull reading, compared to what you are used to.” she confessed. “ No, please continue. His message is very comforting and your voice is very soothing.” Henry quickly argued. So she continued, deciding to continue with the theme of comfort God offered to the suffering and the faint of heart.
“ Psalms 34: 18 “The Lord if near the broken hearted: he delivers those who are discouraged. Psalms 46:1-2 “ God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in time of trouble. Therefore, we will not fear, though the earth be removed.” As she read, Henry suddenly could not seem to keep his eyes off her. And though he had lost much of, if not all his faith in God, it seemed he was slowly starting to regain it on this cold winter night.
He felt as if God had sent him an angel, to revive his weary, torn soul, to whisper these promises into a dark and seemingly hopeless time. Her eyes seemed to illuminate and glow with hope, as the fire reflected on her soft skin. After about an hour’s worth of reading, she looked up with some surprise,
“ I’ve got to be boring you, by now. Is there something else you like me to read instead? “No, please, just one more verse. I’ve read enough adventure novels as a schoolboy. Besides, I enjoy reading what your God says in the book. I can see why you love him.” Henry admitted, “ Read me your favorite verse.” he asked, “Alright.” Nora agreed, turning the pages lovingly until her eyes lit on it, “Romans 8:39. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels or demons, neither the present of the future, neither height or depth, or anything else in creation will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our lord.”
“ This love you often speak of, Nora. It must be very powerful, if even in the face of death, you are not afraid. I don’t believe I’ve ever encountered a love that deep.” Henry said softly, once when she was finished. She closed the bible carefully, and set it down beside the rocking chair. “God’s perfect love will always cast out fear, and he promised us that those who love him will spend eternity with him in heaven. So why should I fear? If I die in this concentration camp, I will be with him and I will be reunited with my family, to live in peace forever. There won’t be any more pain or sickness. I can look forward to this, no matter what happens.” Nora replied passionately.
“ I want to know a peace like that. If I died today, I wouldn’t have a clue where I’d go. I have never believed in God, to the extent you do. It terrifies me.” Henry said, suddenly very vulnerable and scared in spite of his apparent toughness. “ Ask Jesus to forgive you, Henry, and accept this love, and you too will be granted peace.” Nora advised. “ He is willing to meet you in your pain and suffering, and save you from it.”
“Thank you for being so kind to me, although I certainly don’t deserve it. If your God is real, I hope to one day be able to forgive people who have hurt me the way you have, Nora.” Henry said.
In spite of her resolve to hold back the growing emotions, Nora felt her heart warming to him in the moment, to his childish faith and desperate need for God. Over the next few weeks, they would spend many hours pouring over the small book, which she was shocked he would even agree to read. Every Nazi believed it was the “Jews Book of Lies” and forbidden to be in the possession of a prisoner , much less an SS guard. Nora read to him the stories of Esther, Ruth, Samuel, Noah, Abraham, and so many other noble, timeless characters, whose faith in God had sustained them through great trials. T
Then she read to him the story of Jesus’s birth, his brief 30 years on earth of service to people, and then his death on the cross and resurrection. “ I don’t understand.” he said at one point, when she had reached the end of the Gospel of Luke. “Why would Jesus give his life for people who cared so little for him, who hated him in fact and took for granted his sacrifice? I can’t imagine giving myself for someone who didn’t deserve it, and letting myself suffer and die like that.”
“ Jesus acted in love, and obedience to his heavenly father. If we only love those that love us, that can’t be real love. It is loving those who are hurtful to us that love stands the real test. Jesus suffered and died on our behalf, paying the penalty for humanity’s sin, so that we might find life everlasting in him.” “ I must say I can’t help but admire such a man. I could never bring myself to do such a thing. “Well, Jesus was God and as such, he was given the grace and strength to carry out his destiny. But we too, are called, although not literally, to lay down our lives for our fellow brothers, and to love them even when they may not deserve it.” Nora explained.
“You’re beautiful.” Henry suddenly said, startling her if not for the first time. “What?” she asked, stunned by his sudden confession. “You’re beautiful when you talk about God. The passion in your eyes, well I admire it so much. I’ve never met anyone quite like you in my life.”
Nora wasn’t quite sure what to say. She closed the Bible, feeling very much at a loss for words, “Thank you.” she said at last, “ I really don’t know what’s so special about me, but I appreciate it.” she said, “I have something for you, a small gift for the New Year. I hope you don’t mind it’s a surprise.” Henry said. “ So I need you to close your eyes for a minute, while I get it. Nora grew very anxious at what the present might be, and she quickly did as he requested, waiting in excitement until he returned.
His hand brushed her silky neck, gently moving her hair aside. Then he slid a gold necklace around her throat and tied it carefully. “Alright, you can open them.’ he was breathless, waiting for her reaction. Nora fingered the small locket at her neck and gasped. She opened it and saw that both of her parents photographs were intact. Her father’s handsome face, respendent in his suit and tie. and mama, sweet, beautiful mama, with her cherubic face and soft, elegant features and cameo pin, her gift for making love wherever she went.
“Oh, Henry, thank you! how did you ever manage? this means so much to me!” she exclaimed, “I’m so pleased.” he smiled. In spite of her usual composed self, bittersweet tears began to flow down her cheeks and she sobbed. bitter because both her parents were no longer with her, but sweet because she’d been gifted with this small memory of them. Henry stroked her cheek, wiping the tears from her eyes, beginning to lose so much of his cold reserve in her presence. “Why are you so kind to me? I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve it. What makes me any different than the other prisoners? she inquired, gazing into his deep set blue eyes questionably. “Because… Nora I’m in love with you.” Henry said slowly, looking to her for some kind of reaction. “You’re in.. love with me?” Nora stammered in disbelief, “But… I don’t understand. I’m Jewish.” Her mind and heart were struggling to process the weight of his announcement, “ I don’t care that you’re a Jew, Nora. That stopped bothering me a long time ago. I can’t help my feelings for you, regardless of whether they’re right or expected anymore.”
They exchanged glances for a moment, and then he drew closer to her. “ You don’t have to ask this time. Please, just kiss me, Henry.” Nora whispered with a soft smile. So he kissed her once again, but this time the feeling was mutual. and this time there was twice as much passion than last time, over and over again, their lips sliding together in unison. It was sweet, pure, and innocent, a beautiful moment she’d remember forever. Before she knew it, he’d pulled her into his lap and her legs were wrapped tightly around his waist. He tugged at the striped fabric of her dress, and slid his lips across her bare shoulders. He pushed her down passionately on the couch, and then pushed her dress up to her bare thighs, and began to lightly caress her.
He stopped after a moment, waiting to see what her reaction would be at his boldness, “Forgive me.. I shouldn’t have.” he quickly said in embarrassment, drawing his hand back. “No, please keep going. I don’t mind, it’s soothing.’’ Nora begged with desperation in her eyes. She grabbed his hand and placed it on her stomach, where he slipped it down in between her thighs. He dipped his finger inside her, rubbing her gently until she began to moan with contentment. “Are you okay?” he asked tenderly, afraid he might be hurting her, “Yes, please don’t stop. I like the way you touch me.” she told him truthfully. He seemed pleased to hear her sighs of pleasure, and he kissed her again. She was reaching for his pants, when he suddenly pulled away.
“I’m sorry, I think perhaps you’d better leave.” She blushed, when she realized she’d managed to undo the buttons on his shirt, “Forgive me, I had no right.” she began to stutter, flushed with embarrassment at the sudden lack of self control. In the heat of her desire, she’d forgotten her position here, as a prisoner trying to seduce a man in authority. “ No, forgive me. I got carried away. I had no right. I should have restrained myself.”Henry said, fixing his belt where she’d begun to unbuckle it. Nora was taken aback again. This man, he was in a position of power over her, although it hardly ever seemed like it. She’d almost forgotten that he could take advantage of her if he wanted, although he had treated her with so much respect since they met. She still hadn’t the faintest idea why he should be so good to her, or why now he stopped himself from using her for his pleasure. Henry’s hands played with a few strands of her hair,
“We needn’t take this any further, Nora, if you’re not ready. I’ll wait as long as you need me too. I’m not in a hurry. I don’t want to make you do anything. ” she sighed deeply,
“ henry, I’m afraid you’ll be waiting way longer than you would with other girls. I know better than this. I was raised that physical intimacy is sacred for marriage. As such, I would like to remain a virgin until my wedding night, with the one I marry.” Nora said solemnly, wishing desperately she hadn’t allowed things to get so out of her hand. Her desires had overcome her. “ Then, marry me.” henry quickly asked, “don’t be foolish, Henry. You know we can’t. I’m a Jewish prisoner and you’re an SS guard.”
“Nora, I love you. I’d wait till the war was over, of course. “henry, this just can never be. I’m sorry.” “Why?” Henry pleaded, cupping her face in his hands. Nora swallowed hard. She didn’t want to hurt him like this, but they must face the reality of the world they lived in, “You’re going to forget all about me when this war is over. You’ll meet a nice German girl and settle down with her, and you’ll be happy, trust me. We come from two different words. I just don’t see how we could ever make it work. Think how people might talk, a jewess and a nazi marriage would be the laughing stock, even in my hometown.
“ I will not forget you.” Henry protested vehemently, “ You say that now, but how can you be sure? The world will not always be this bleak. You won’t always be lonely and far from home. And what if I am sent to the gas chambers before the war’s over?”
“ I would never allow that to happen to you, you know that. You’re trying to be reasonable, but I know you love me too, Nora. You just don’t want to admit it. More tears began to slide down her cheeks, because she knew he was right. “ Nora, do you love me? I must hear you say it.’’ he demanded. Nora hesitated for a moment, her heart caught in her throat, as the question hung in the air, finally uttered. And there was no longer any doubt what the answer was. “Yes, of course, Henry. I love you very much.” His smile was one of the most gratitude and joy she’d ever seen. He leaned into her and they shared another kiss, “Thank you, Nora. Will you please do me one last favor?”
“ Of course.” Nora agreed readily. “Please, stay with me tonight. I’m so lonely, and I would be grateful..” “ Henry… I don’t think” Nora began, with obvious concern for the position that would put both of them in. “Please, Nora, I’m so tired of sleeping alone. All you have to do is lay down beside me, and go to sleep. I won’t try to seduce you into doing anything. “
nora’s instant response was to say no, but something about the desperation in his eyes beckoned her and she found herself saying “alright, i will.”
he grabbed her hand eagerly, and led her into his bedroom. He pulled his boots off, suddenly looking utterly exhausted to her. He climbed into the bed, making room for her to squeeze in beside him. He pulled her close to his chest, where she lay completely still and silent. For many hours, she lay staring at the vast ceiling, unable to sleep even after the long work day. She lay awake, contemplating everything that had taken place in the past few hours. She knew that regardless of what ended up happening she would always love Henry and wouldn’t forget what he had done for her and Annaliese. Especially tonight, she thought with a blush of how tenderly he’d fingered her. That he had given that to her without raping her was an oddity. so different from the other guard, who had tried to force himself on her, with no regards for her desires or pleasure. He had only been out to inflict pain. With Henry it seemed different, as if he actually cared about her, though she had no idea why.
She traced patterns with her fingers now on his bare chest, so warm and strong in the candlelight. then she placed her ear close to his heart. The sound of it beating was quite possibly the most soothing sound in the world. He mumbled her name and begged her to stay in his sleep. She snuggled closer to him in response, and he stroked her hair. “Rest, my love. May god grant you the peace you desire.” she whispered. At last, she could no longer resist it and she finally gave in to rest.
The next morning, Nora was the first one awake, an hour before daybreak. Henry was still fast asleep today, New Year’s 1945. She rose carefully from the bed, trying her best to not disturb him. She couldn’t help but think how beautiful he looked, lying with his soft hair pressed against the pillow. He had a look of complete tranquility on his face. She leaned over him lovingly, brushing her lips briefly across his forehead. Then she grabbed her shawl and headed out the door. By the time she arrived at the barracks, women were already beginning to file outside for role call. They formed a huge line, curving around the surrounding buildings for miles in the chilly distance. Nora quickly found Annaliese and took her place beside her sister. As usual, no one seemed to mind her absence. The women looked more weary than she’d seen them in months.
Several had already passed out and lay still and silent in the cold snow. Nora realized with growing horror, that she had grown so used to the sadness and death surrounding Auschtwitz, it had almost ceased to bother her. More than twenty women died at roll call most mornings. forced to stand for hours in the bitter cold and with little sustanence and rest, what could be expected? Nora could feel the cold snow seep through her threadbare shoes. Annaliese shivered beside her, with her hands growing purple from lack of warmth. Nora quickly removed her shawl, pushing Nora to the middle of the row, to try and protect her from the cold on the outside. Annaliese protested loudly, but Nora would have none of it. The day had only just begun, and already she felt she’d been awake for hours
The agony of roll call seemed to grow worse every day.
It was a beautiful spring evening in April, with birds tweeting lovely messages to each other and delicious spring breezes blowing through Amsterdam. On the Greithoorn Canal, the fishermen were out in their small white boats, while a gorgeous pink and golden sunset painted the sky. Some chatter could be heard among the passerby, as people headed home to their families from a long day’s work. Small children walked their dogs, and mothers pushed their children in small carriages on an evening stroll. Older men walked along and smoked pipes, or talked amongst themselves. It was almost an air of peace, even though the war had certainly left it’s mark on this quaint city as much as anywhere else.
Yet it was as if everyone had chosen to forget these things, amongst the beautiful spring weather and the calming rushing of the flowers growing around the canal. Henry parked his bicycle close to the bridge over the canal, and hurried along the row of brick dwellings, all packed tightly together along the streets. Although most of the tulip bulbs had been eaten during the awful winter, there were some roses growing in planters on each of the windows. He quickly found the house he was looking for, with the number 543 painted on the rusty mail-box on the side. He wiped his boots on the mat outside, and then knocked several times.
He almost didn’t recognize the bright-eyed, blond-haired girl who answered the door. Her cheeks were pink with color and vitality, and she looked as if she regained all the weight she’d lost at Auschwitz. The thin, weary Annaliese of the concentration camp was no more, replaced by a healthy, energetic 16 year old. “Mam, I’m not sure if you remember me. My name is Hendrick Bruan, I worked at Auschwitz and I..” he was unable to finish his sentence, as Annaliese cried with joy, “Henry! Of course I remember you. Oh, how can my sister and I ever repay you for what you did for us then? You saved my life, and hers. We are so grateful to you, sir.”
“ You are more than welcome. Is your sister well I hope?” he asked eagerly, his eyes filling with worry. “Oh, yes, of course she’s fine. We’ve been staying with our Aunt. Nora’s actually asleep right now. She had a long day. But why don’t you come inside and have some tea until she wakes up? Our aunt is away on a trip right now, actually, so we’ve been taking care of the shop for her. Nora’s had her hands full.” Annaliese told him. He thanked her as she energetically ushered him inside.
It was a small, but welcoming home, with a small mahogany table set with a white lace tablecloth and fine china. A cabinet full of beautiful white dishes etched with roses sat by the table, and a small grand piano in the corner. In the circular glass window, Henry could see three long women’s dresses displayed on mannequins. A couple soft cushioned couches sat on a long maroon colored rug, with matching curtains in the windows. Annaliese asked him to sit at the dining room table, while she went into the kitchen to boil the tea.
After she’d fixed him a cup, she was full of questions, “How have you been, Henry? Are you enjoying this lovely weather, I hope?” “Yes, I am.” Annaliese was quiet for a moment and then she said, “If you don’t mind my asking, why did you come all this way just to see us? Certainly you must have been eager to get home to your family.”
“I’ve already seen my mother, and we’ve both decided to move to Amsterdam. I have no desire to ever return to Germany, which is in absolute shambles anyhow. I’m ashamed of myself and my country, and living there would only serve as a painful reminder of everything I was a part of during the war.”
“God can help you through your pain, Henry. I’m sure Nora would tell you the same.” Annaliese was quick to tell him. “I suppose she would. “ Henry agreed, with a soft smile thinking of her. He took another long drink of tea and suddenly it seemed Annaliese could read his thoughts, “would you perhaps like to go up and see her? I doubt she would mind if you woke her. As soon as she knows you’re here, she won’t want to be sleeping anyway.”she smiled knowingly, “I suppose I will, if you don’t mind.”
“Of course, go right ahead. I’ve got to finish some baking anyway, so don’t mind me.” she said. She grabbed his hand and playfully pushed him out the dining room, pointing her finger in the direction of the stairs. “She’s up stairs, in the sewing room to your right.” she smiled. She barely had time to finish her sentence, before Henry was eagerly tiptoeing up the stairs. He climbed the curving staircase, and entered the large sitting room.
On a small table, there was an upright black sewing machine, with a skirt Nora had obviously been working on. There was several bookshelves, packed with a variety of blue and black bound books, a sitting table with a lamp, and a leather couch where lay the object of his desire.
She was wearing a simple blue frock, nothing fancy, but to him she could have looked beautiful in anything. Her hair had grown back, now long, black, wavy locks spilling onto the pillow. He watched her chest rise and fall, and gazed at her soft, ivory skin and long, black lashes. she was so beautiful. He quietly approached her, reaching out his hand to gently stroke her forehead, and run his hands through her soft hair. He breathed in her familiar, soothing scent and leaned down to brush his lips against hers. “Nora..” he whispered, his voice barely audible in the large room. Her eyelids flicked for a moment, deep in sleep, until she heard a deep and calming voice. She opened her eyes groggily, in surprise, to see him sitting next to her. It took her a minute to come to a full recognition of the man in front of her, and she rubbed her eyes. “Henry, is it you?” she said sleepily, with shock and surprise written all over her face. “
Oh Henry, I thought I would never see you again!” she cried, sobbing with joy. It was only a moment before her arms were around him, while he kissed her breathlessly again and again, running his hands through her hair.
“I’ve missed you so much, my love.” he breathed, as he took her hand and kissed it, rubbing it against his face lovingly, “How did you find me?” Nora asked, wiping the happy tears from her cheeks. “ I remembered the prisoner list, and I found you through the information that was on there. My mother and I are moving to Amsterdam. I don’t want anything to do with Germany any more, and we feel we need a fresh start here. As soon as we had made the arrangements, I went about trying to arrange a visit. I suppose this is all a great shock to you, although Annaliese was more happy to see me than I expected.” Henry smiled,
“Yes, she would be. We are both very happy to have you for the evening. My aunt is away on a weekend trip, so we’ve been very busy keeping the shop for her.”
“As I can see.” Henry smiled, looking around the room at the number of baskets holding cloth, needles, thread, and other materials. “May I perhaps come and call on you a couple days a week, when you are not busy?” he inquired.
“ Of course, at the end of the day would be best, when I’m finished with my work. Why don’t we go downstairs now? Are you hungry? Annaliese has been making a delicious soup all evening, I’m sure she’d be thrilled if you tried some. I’ve been trying to teach her how to cook.” Nora explained. “I’m starved. I’ve hardly had a bite to eat all day, and it was such a long train ride.” Henry said enthusiastically, “I could eat anything.” he announced, “Good, let’s go downstairs then. I’m sure she’ll be more than happy to feed you.” Nora smiled, standing up from the couch. She smoothed her skirt and hair, and grabbed Henry’s hand eagerly to lead him past the fireplace and down the stairs.
“ Of course, at the end of the day would be best, when I’m finished with my work. Why don’t we go downstairs now? Are you hungry? Annaliese has been making a delicious soup all evening, I’m sure she’d be thrilled if you tried some. I’ve been trying to teach her how to cook.” Nora explained. “I’m starved. I’ve hardly had a bite to eat all day, and it was such a long train ride.” Henry said enthusiastically, “I could eat anything.” he announced, “Good, let’s go downstairs then. I’m sure she’ll be more than happy to feed you.” Nora smiled, standing up from the couch. She smoothed her skirt and hair, and grabbed Henry’s hand eagerly to lead him past the fireplace and down the stairs.
When they arrived in the kitchen, Annaliese looked up with a knowing smile on her face, “There you are, Nora. Did you have a nice nap?” she asked, “Yes, I did.”Nora smiled, going to give her sister a kiss on the cheek. “And I’m sure it was wonderful to wake up to Henry’s arrival.”Annaliese giggled, causing her sister to blush. “You two just sit down now and make yourself comfortable. I’m almost done in here.” she said, causing both of them to laugh as she shewed them into the dining room.
“Annaliese looks like her health has improved tremendously.” Henry commented, as he sat down beside Nora. “Yes, she’s doing very well. She was very ill for a time when we first arrived here, but my aunt is an excellent nurse and it wasn’t long before she was recovering. She is a very resilient girl.”Nora said. “You both seem to be.” Henry complimented her, “I’ve yet to understand why she is so kind to me, when she knows I’m German. “You saved her life, Henry, and mine. We will always be grateful to you for that. We never expected to be given such kindness at such a place and time. You’ve been so good to us, and anyway, Annaliese is a very loving, forgiving person. If you think you’d done any wrong on account of her, she certainly be the first to deny or to defend you. She isn’t spiteful.”Nora told him.
“And your Aunt? What do you think she will think of me when she arrives home?”Henry then questioned her, worry lines on his face. “I suppose she will be initially suspicious, since you’re a German, but I’ve no doubt when she sees that you are not like the other Nazis, she will have no problem with you calling on me. My aunt is a very good, reasonable woman. She will not develop prejudices, until she’s observed a situation and the people in it.” Nora said. Just as she finished, they were interrupted by Annaliese’s entrance. She handed them both a nourishing bowl of vegetable soup, and soon the three of them were enjoying the delicious meal. Both Nora and Henry complimented Annaliese on her improved cooking skills, and helped her wash up the remaining dishes.
The hour grew late, and Henry was forced to head home to his mother, who he said would be worried about him. Nora and Annaliese agreed that they had better be getting to bed as well, as they had an early start to their work-day the next morning. At the door, Henry gripped Nora’s hands eagerly in both of his, suddenly looking very boyish and young, inspite of all his worry, “Let’s go walking, tomorrow, Nora.” he said, “I’ll take you for a ride in the country, and we can have a picnic.” he said , “I’d love that.”Nora smiled in response, as he pulled her into an warm, affectionate embrace and kissed her. “Goodbye now, Henry.” she waved at him, as he walked down the brick pathway to his bicycle, pulling his visor down over his head.
The brisk March sun streamed through the trees, over rolling golden hills rich with wheat. Small blades of green grass were beginning to poke up through the ground, in bright, cheery little patches amongst the dry, dead grass. The sky was alive with birds singing, and fluffy white clouds dancing on it’s canvas. All of Holland sang the joys and new beginnings and hope of spring. The sad part of the whole Dutch landscape was the rows of dried up tulips, with empty, lifeless bulbs inside. Once these had been glorious blossoms, gold, pink, purple, blue, and red, every shade of color imaginable. Once they’d swayed in the breeze of a lazy summer’s afternoon, while horse-drawn buggies went by idly.
Once Mama had walked these paths with her, holding her hand and offering motherly insight and wisdom. In these fields, her and Kate and Annaliese had once played hide and seek as school girls, or chased each other in a rowdy game of tag. Papa had picked her up as a small brown-eyed little girl of 4, and pointed out the North Sea in the distance, where his fishing business was. Where ships left on long voyages, to find treasure and go on adventures he’d told her. He’d taught her how to ride a horse, with his strong, yet gentle hands supporting her in the saddle. At first, she remembered she’d clung to him in fear, afraid the horse would bolt and she would fall to the ground. But by the age of 7, she’d become an experienced horse rider, often taking long trips in the afternoon, after she’d come home from school.
Her pony, which she’d fondly called Gilead, had become one of her best animal friends, growing up. When she was sad, she had often gone to the stable at her grandparents house in the country, where he stayed at night. She’d sit on the straw late at night, and cry her woes into his soft, brown mane. It had broken her heart, when the beloved animal passed away, when she was 10. But he had been loved and loved her for five wonderful, memorable years. All of these memories from the past haunted her now, in this barren wasteland near her home. They all seemed so far away, so distant. She felt as if she’d lived a lifetime, instead of the short 19 years she’d been alive. It was like she was an aging woman, looking back on more than half a century of life. She felt old, she felt weary and drained still, physically and emotionally. She placed a hand over her heart, for a moment, as the familiar pressure on her chest set on. She walked further on down the dusty path, enjoying the solitude and comfort this place offered.
But there was also pain, so much pain she thought she would drown in the emotional suffering. It locked itself deep inside her, manifesting itself in the searing burn around her heart, the overwhelming wave of anxiety she now felt. Flashbacks of the past began to surge through her mind, in small sequences, although they were transitioning into bad memories. Kate’s worried, fear- filled eyes looking tearfully into hers. She’d never forget how her sister had clung to her with dread, and her voice, “Nora, I’m so afraid. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to be taken to Auschwitz.”
She couldn’t ever erase the affect it had had on her, to see her mother lying so still and pale in that bed, her face flushed with fever. Or the moment when she knew she’d never see her mother in this life again, the strength it had taken to not scream in protest when they were separated as a family. When Annaliese had been beaten so mercilessly, and she had sat there feeling so helpless to stop her sister’s pain. or the sickening, growing sense of panic surrounding her that cold night when the soldier tried to violate her. Frieda’s glazed and sorrow- filled eyes, as she held her dead child in her arms, rocking his tiny head to her breast, with tears streaming down her face. Or the feeling Nora had had had that she could vomit, when she saw those naked, thin bodies, dead eyes staring at her from the ditch, the almost unbearable stench of human flesh burning that had filled her nostrils. The realization that at some point the bodies of her family would be reduced to the grey smoke emitted from those chimneys. Rivkah’s tiny head as she hid behind Nora’s skirt in terror, before they knew the Soviet troops were there to save their lives. Or the god-awful night when the tiny little boy had died in her arms, only a day after the liberation of the camp. The night in the barracks, when she’d been sore and her body aching, wiping blood from her face and back, stifling her cries of pain.
These recollections panned out as she remembered Henry’s kind, blue eyes, paling so sharply in comparison to all the misery and suffering.His strong hand on hers briefly, as he helped her up from the cold, hard ground, the look of pure love on his face that night by the fire when they’d kissed. the desperation when they’d parted for what she knew would be their last encounter. The moment when her heart had stopped, because she thought Annaliese would die from typhus, and then she would have no one, not even her sister to keep her alive. and the empty gaping hole her family’s deaths had left in her, coming back to this place missing so many pieces of herself.
She struggled in vain to remember who she was before the war changed her, before the war took almost everything she had and squashed it to smithereens. Before the nazis ripped out her heart, and stomped on it without a care for how she’d bleed. What was left of her, but an empty, hollow shell of a woman, torn apart by exhaustion, heartbreak, and misery? What use was she to Aunt Margaret or Annalise or Rivkah like this now? She was better off having died back at Auschwitz, with her mother and sisters. Why did she deserve to survive anyway, when so many other innocent souls had perished? She didn’t deserve life, she didn’t deserve to be walking these fields like this, free, liberated, healthy.
All of it came rushing at her in full force, and she suddenly couldn’t handle all she’d been through in the past eight months of her life. She found a small bench alongside the path, beneath the same tree she’d found a haven in the summer before. Dropping her shawl beside her, she sat down underneath it and the tears finally came. Rolling down her cheeks, one at a time, then rushing down her face until she couldn’t stop them. She cried and cried and cried, until she simply was too exhausted to go on. She clutched at her chest in pain, wrapping her shawl tighter around her.
She held the knife close to her thin wrist, shaking with fear, agitation, and sheer panic. Her body felt like a prison she was locked inside, immune to any pain or emotion. Dead inside, a hollow ghost incapable of thought or movement, only an overwhelming urge to end everything right now. If she didn’t escape now, she’d suffocate, she’d waste away until there was nothing left of her anymore. The person she’d been before was fading every single day, becoming so dim she hardly recall the woman she’d been. It was as if she was looking through a thin glass wall at her former self , screaming in panic to be that person again. But this woman, the haunted one on the other end of the glass laughed at the idea of returning to her old life. She knew there was no hope. She would be trapped behind these towering walls forever, watching herself grow gray and withered away. Her hand gripped the knife until her knuckles turned white and her forehead was drenched in sweat. Blood ran down her arm in a trickle, as she swiped at her soft, ivory skin with the weapon. Images of family flashed through her mind tormenting her, Mama’s pale face moments before she died, Kate’s frightened, heartbroken eyes when they were seperated, her grandmother looking so frail and helpless in the group of older women being led to the gas chambers, Freida, Rivkah, Annaliese, Aunt Margaret, Henry, every single one of the people she loved so dearly. Lastly, she thought of her precious baby son, who she loved more than anything, a piece of her and Henry, a symbol of their love she’d carried inside her for nine months.
One would have thought he might stop her from what she was about to do but no. All reasoning rationality had gone out the window in that moment. She was consumed with the idea of killing her pain once and for all.
Her family and friends she was convinced were better off with out her alive. She might as well have been dead already for how hollow her heart and soul, how empty was the body she resided in. She grabbed the knife again willing herself to be brave enough to go through with this decision. She directed it closer to the blue thin vein beneath her wrist. Abruptly, Henry was beside her, grabbing her hand and drawing her back. She looked up at him in shock and gasped, feeling her heart beat a hundred miles an hour in her chest. “Nora, what are you doing? Stop!” he almost screamed as he took the knife from her hands. At this point her hands were slippery with sweat and she willingly let him take the knife. Her face was almost blank as she felt a growing sense of exhaustion pass over her. Then the full enormity of what she’d been about to do set in and she shook with guilt, fear, and shame at herself. She burst into wracking sobs, tears rolling down her cheeks one after the other. “I’m sorry.. I’m so sorry!”she cried. Henry’s blue eyes which had at first sparkled with rage, were now softened at the sight of her. All of his emotions pressed down on him, as he watched his wife hide her head on her arms, in utter shame and despair. He didn’t say anything for the longest time, just listened to her weep and letting her have her moment.
For the rest of the evening, she was deathly quiet, feeling a growing, overpowering sense of shame on her. She buried her face in a book, to distract herself from Henry’s constant concerned glances. And still he almost seemed to refuse to say anything. She almost wanted him to talk, she wanted irrationally for him to scream at her, to demand answers and to show some sort of emotion to what he’d just witnessed. Was he considering leaving her? she wondered, feeling he had ever legitimate reason too. She had been selfish enough to try to end her life, to leave him and their son alone. So what reason did he have to not leave? She hadn’t cared enough for him, to refrain from self-destruction? Still he said nothing. He watched her silently undress, and she didn’t bother this time to hide the many scars on her back, the tattoo she knew he hated to be reminded off. She sat down at her dressing table, and began to slowly brush her hair out, running her hands through her wavy beautiful locks. She didn’t dare look at her husband in the eye, out of a sheer sense of dread.
She hadn’t felt afraid of him, since that cold, terrifying night in Auschwitz, when she was unsure of him. She hadn’t known if he would hurt her, and as much as she’d tried to resist the feeling, she’d ended up falling in love. She’d seen he was now like the other Germans, he was kind and compassionate to her and tender. But that had been different. He had pitied her, because she was helpless, vulnerable, and at the mercy of the Nazis for her very life. She was sure Henry had never dreamed though that she might take her own life in her hands?
So she expected that it wouldn’t be long before he yelled at her, out of sheer anger because he had every right to feel betrayed. She trembled, as she brushed her hair, and all the sudden he was speaking. “Nora…”he said, his voice surprisingly tender and soft, “come here.” she turned around, rising from her chair in utter humiliation. What she would give to take back the decisions of earlier. She climbed into this bed, as he pulled her into his lap. The warmth of his body was soothing, his arms enveloping her as he breathed into her hair and kissed her. As for her, she was too embarrassed to say a word. She waited in dread, for what’d he say. “Please if you ever feel that desperate.. he struggled to say the word out of pain. “please tell me, and don’t ever try that again. I am always here, no matter how alone you feel.
You always have a way out..” Tears began to stream down Nora’s cheeks, feeling the pain and heartbreak seeping into her lover’s words. She lowered her head in remorse, “I’m so sorry, Henry. I have just been feeling as if my life no longer had any meaning to it.. there is no point to anything I do or say. I’m useless this way.”
“No, Nora, that is not true. You have so many people who love you. Think of Annaliese and Rivkah, who could not have survived without you. And your aunt and me.. and think of the baby. I need you, Nora” she turned around to look him in the eye thinking how in her selfishness, she’d almost left their child motherless and Henry without her. “I know.. I know.. I’m so sorry.” she sobbed. He cupped her face in his hands and continued in a gentler tone, “Listen to me. I love you. I’m not giving up on you.” She cried more as he said the words, seeing him wipe his own tears from his eyes. “Promise me you won’t ever try to do that again. Promise me now, Nora.” he begged intently, gripping her hands tightly in both of his. “ I promise. She agreed, having no desire to inflict any more misery on him. It had been written all over his face, and she hated herself for being the cause of that. He ran his fingers along her wrist, tracing the faded red line where she’d cut herself solemnly. He slid his lips across her hands, which felt cold and clammy to his touch. “it’s going to be okay., I promise.” he told her.
Nora lay awake for a long time, even though she should have felt exhausted. She knew it would be awhile before she completely got over what she’d almost done, and how dire the consequences would have been had she been able to follow through, “god please forgive me for being so selfish, for thinking there was no hope. I know you are my anchor and my ever present help in trouble, she prayed as she lay staring at the vast ceiling. Just as she was beginning to drift off, she suddenly saw her little boy come walking into the bedroom, with tears streaming down her face. “Sweetheart, whats wrong?”she asked as he came over to the beside time. “Did you have a bad dream?” he nodded solemnly, and she motioned for him to climb up on the bed. She pulled him into her arms, lovingly, stroking his little curls and kissed him ,”Mommy,are ghosts and monsters real? he asked, his blue eyes peering into hers intently.” No, of course not, darling. And even if they were you know Mommy and daddy will always protect you. Nothing bad will happen to you, as long as we are here.”
Tears began sliding down her cheeks again, thinking of what she would have lost, had she sided the way she wanted too. Her son looked up in shock. “Mommy.. please don’t cry.” he said quietly, as she pulled him closer to her. He snuggled underneath the covers in between her and Henry, nestling his small head into the crook of her arm. She watched him sleep for a long time, asking God once again for forgiveness for what she’d done.
The row of women were hurried along by the group of soliders, where a small desk was. A soldier took the name and occupation of the prisoners, and then they were forced to surrender any personal belongings. Noe of this in itself seemed too much to bear, until Nora
